Okay This REALLY Is My Last Post!

Yup it's all true folks! Click on the above image to enlarge text and read all about it!


Hmmm...there are some people in Stockton who are not too sad to see the Horny Old Guy depart their fair city! Oh well...you can't please them all!

Yeah I know I said I was through with blogging three years ago and looking at the lame ass posts I've made since I probably should have been through. This time I really mean it though! Yours truly the Horny Old Guy is now a happily married man and in just a very few short days will be living with his lovely new bride Diane in the great state of Colorado! As a faithful married man there is absolutely no way that I can continue to babble on about lusting after every babe I see and spending most of my free time fantasizing about those babes and jacking off to them. Diane of course doesn't know about my cyberspace Horny Old Guy persona and knowing her as I now do I can guarantee you that she would NOT be amused if she stumbled on this X rated blog! I also feel extremely guilty about blogging about her and us and our sex life behind her back now that we are married so it's time for the Horny Old Guy to zip up his fly and disappear into cyberspace as he makes the big move to being a good husband in a brand new state. Since so few people wander into this semi-dead blog nowadays it's probably just as well that I take a hike!


Saturday May 29, 2010 was "a day that will live in infamy!" That was the day that I got married to my sweetie Diane in a funky wedding chapel in downtown Reno, Nevada. About the only good thing that I can say about the wedding ceremony was that it was quickly over and with few witnesses to the deed! Thank God Diane didn't want a church wedding back in Colorado as I initially feared she might! My second marriage was in a church and I absolutely hated every minute of it! Hell I don't even like to go to other people's weddings, let alone participate in one of my own! Diane favored marriage over living together though and so did her straight laced family back home. There are some financial benefits for both of us to us being married too....soooo after giving the matter some very serious consideration I popped the question on Easter weekend and Diane immediately accepted.



There was lots of apprehension and nervousness and yeah even some second thoughts after the proposal and right up to the wedding day though! I'm about to turn 70 years of age (HELP!) very soon and haven't been a husband since my 30's. Both of my two marriages ended in divorce and even though I've had numerous short and long term relationships since that second divorce all of those relationships would also be doomed to fail! I was not at all sure that I was good marriage material and did (and still do!) truly value my independent lifestyle. The Reno wedding chapel with slot machines in the parlor didn't exactly ease my nervous mind and when I saw that the hired gun minister was sort of tipsy I felt like heading for the Greyhound bus depot and catching the first bus to anywhere! Somehow I made it through the ceremony though. Diane and I as well as our witness, Diane's best friend Sandra, all had trouble keeping straight faces because in addition to being tipsy this "man of the cloth" spoke sort of funny! It was only after we left the chapel and headed back to our hotel/casino that I started feeling very comfortable and happy about being married and I've felt that way ever since.




Diane and I did what people always have done on their wedding night,,,fucked our brains out! All that wine and champagne we drank earlier in the evening gave both of us quite a buzz and the sex was better than ever! I got a little bit of an extra rush knowing that Sandra was in the adjoining room. Sandra is a babe and yeah some fantasies of a threesome were creeping into my dirty mind even on our wedding night! Diane who gets very vocal during orgasms no doubt wished that Sandra would have been on a different floor or in a different hotel. The amused look on Sandra's face the next morning (actually the next afternoon!) made me think that she had got an earful during the night! I certainly hope so!


After the wedding we came back to our respective homes for a couple of days and then drove to San Francisco where we spent the night. The following morning we flew to Honolulu for a brief five day honeymoon! We had a great time in Hawaii, spent much more time in the sack than in the sun but fucking is what honeymoons are for aren't they? Then it was back to our own homes again to start preparing and packing for our move to Colorado at the end of this month. Diane is from Colorado, has her entire family there and had planned to move back there with or without me after this school year (she's an elementary school teacher). As a native Californian with lots of friends here the prospect of moving to another state was as potentially traumatic as getting married but I've warmed to the idea and am now actually looking forward to getting out of this rather lackluster city called Stockton. Our local cops in an effort to get a better contract and higher pay have recently posted signs around town saying "Welcome to Stockton, the Second Most Dangerous City in California!" With California (also known as Northern Mexico) in general going steadily down the toilet I came to the conclusion that it's about time for the Horny Old Guy to get out of state as well as out of town. Will Colorado ultimately be as crazy? I don't know but I'm about to find out!


So it's off to Colorado and a new life with a new wife...and I'm truly becoming increasingly excited and optimistic about that whole scenario! Wednesday June 30 is our official moving day. Diane has better furniture so we are taking most of that which along with her other belongings will be moved by a professional mover. I'm loading all of my "stuff" in a U-Haul a trailer which I will tow to our new home. Diane will be driving her own car, following me and the trailer. It looks like a two day road trip starting out on the morning of June 30. We hope to be in our new apartment in Colorado Springs by the evening of July 1. The apartment will just be our temporary home. We want to start looking for a house to buy immediately and hopefully moved in before Diane (hopefully again) starts her new teaching job in September. It's going to be one busy summer for both of us!

Since our marriage four weeks ago we've spent about half of the time in our own homes packing and preparing to move so I really haven't become accustomed to what will be the new norm for the Horny Old Guy...having a live in companion 24/7! There of course will be some big changes in my lifestyle ahead! More specifically there will be less being the Horny Old Guy, less time for ogling the babes on and off line, and sadly less time and privacy for fantasizing about those babes and jacking off to those fantasies. Damn the bad luck! Once the school year starts though I will have more of my much needed time alone, at least during the daytime hours when Diane is at work teaching. Both me and my ancient but still functioning senior citizen dong are already looking forward to that!




Am I going to be giving up jacking off altogether? You've got to be fucking kidding! I'd no more give up beating my meat than I would give up breathing or eating! Jacking off has been a passion of mine since I first discovered it even before puberty. There is no way that I could ever stop jacking off! Diane knows this and accepts it I think. As much as I enjoy eating pussy, getting my cock sucked and fucking (and there obviously will be MUCH more of those fun things from now on!) I still need privacy and time to practice and enjoy my favorite "hobby" if you know what I mean and I think you do! I suppose I'll have to be a little more discreet...no more sitting here naked at the computer surfing porn and jerking off to "big_titted_italian_babes_who_take_it_up_the_ass.com "...at least when Diane is in the same room! As long as there are locks on the bathroom door I think I'll find private time to sit on the crapper and spank the old (and I do mean OLD!) monkey though! Jerking off in the shower just as Kevin Spacey did in the movie "American Pie" is another possibility! The bathroom worked pretty well as a private place of masturbatory pleasure when I was a horny teenager and I'm quite sure that it will still serve that purpose just fine!


By the way Diane has already told me that she also has no intention of throwing out her Hitachi Magic Wand or that other vibe gizmo she bought after hearing about it on Oprah (she still prefers the Hitachi!). We've talked about masturbation quite a bit and Diane has an extremely healthy and positive view of it. Just as it has been for me, it has been a good friend of hers during solitary times in her life. There definitely will be less masturbation for each of us but it will remain an important part of both of our lives! As far as my ogling and fantasizing about the other babes...well what Diane doesn't know about won't hurt her! Hey I don't care if she fantasizes about Brad Pitt or Johnny Depp or Regis Philbin or anybody else either when I'm slipping the big salami to her or at any other time. I just don't want to hear about it! My own sexual fantasies combined with masturbation will remain private but they will definitely continue!


So that's about it for the Horny Old Guy in the wonderful world of blogging! I'm about to assume a new persona as a senior citizen married horndog in Colorado! Goodbye to my native California and of all my friends here, goodbye to Blogger and goodbye to all of my loyal readers (both of you) who over the last 5 years have put up with my incoherent babbling. If I've given you a chuckle or two I'm happy. If I've offended you in any way including with my poor writing skills, I'm sincerely sorry...but thanks to all so much for reading this crap! Horny Old Married Guy is now hitting the trail for Colorado where he and his sweetie Diane will hopefully live happily ever after! Best wishes for the same to all of you!



P.S. I'm going to leave this blog up indefinitely. Feel free to leave comments on this post or e mail me anytime. I'll always try to give you a timely response. Thanks again for reading and goodbye for now! Horny Old Guy has left the building...and the state...and the cyberspace!

Believe It Or Not I'm Getting Hitched!!!

Is anybody still out there? I truly doubt it since this lame ass blog has been virtually dead for the last three years! For those former regulars who wondered what ever happened to that masturbating old fool Mike Stewart (also known as the Horny Old Guy) and for anyone else who stumbles in here in the future I wanted to update the status of my social life with some major news. Yes it's true! The infamous Horny Old Guy is getting married! On Easter Weekend, a year after Diane and I first fucked I asked her to marry me and she accepted. I'm now a in a state of being both thrilled and scared shitless! Diane is of course the lovely school teacher I've written about in the last couple of posts. I'll also be moving to Colorado, Diane's home state, with her! All of this good stuff will be happening in the next two months. By July 1 I will be living in Colorado with a new wife! As a native Californian and a long time horny old single guy I can only say...."HELP!". Oh I'm just kidding! Diane is a great gal, I truly do love her and at my age (70 in a few months..."HELP!" again!) I ain't gonna' get many more if any chances like this! I'm a happy and excited fucker (in every sense of that last word!) right now!


I'll be writing one more post before I move to Colorado, absolutely my final post in this blog since I definitely do feel guilty about blogging (and now tweeting!) about my sweetie as well as my lustful masturbatory fantasies about every other babe I see on the street or TV or movie screen or anywhere else! It's time for Horny Old Guy to zip it up and disappear into cyberspace for good! Watch for that final post after our marriage, probably sometime in early June. Meanwhile you can follow me on TWITTER if you care to see what kind of nasty stuff I'm up to up until then.


Since it's May which is National Masturbation Month and obviously my favorite celebratory month of the year I'm slightly revising an older post on that subject and reprinting it below. I haven't got the time or inclination to come up with anything new right now. By the way just because I'm getting married it doesn't mean that I'm losing my passion for masturbation! There will be less jacking off in my future but there is no way that I can EVER stop practicing my favorite solitary activity in this month or any other month! Diane is by now well aware of that passion (actually shares it herself in fact!) and I don't expect her to be criticizing my "hobby" as long as it doesn't interfere with any of our "interactive" activities if you know what I mean and I think you do!


On May 1 of every year in my long ago horny youth us boys in the school yard just loved to shout out to our guy friends (sometimes within earshot of the girls):
"Hooray! Hooray! It's the first of May,
Outdoor fucking starts today!"
The only sad part about that crude but jubilant proclamation was that most of us had no chance in hell of getting laid, indoors or outdoors, in the month of May or in any other fucking month of the year! This was back in the puritanical 1950's you understand! The only sex must of us lads got was from our right hand! Now the month of May takes on even more significance for us amateur and professional masturbators and masturbation advocates of all ages and both sexes because May is of course National Masturbation Month! Let the celebration begin!




Probably the high point of my entire youth was THAT NIGHT when I discovered the wonderful sport of jacking off. An older classmate had given me an outdoor demonstration earlier in the day. I was too nervous to even get my little weenie stiff in order to do it with him as he had wanted me to but I had no such problems in the privacy of my own bedroom. I was about 12, still pre-puberty so there was no ejaculation but that dry climax sure did feel good! The whole experience was a revelation in fact! I had heard the term "jack off" for several years, knew it was something nasty but until that day and that night had no idea what exactly it meant or how to do it. Everything sort of came together that night. Now I knew why everybody wanted to do that even nastier "fucking" thing and of course I couldn't wait to try that too!



After that wonderful night jacking off became a daily ritual for me. Sometimes I did it several times a day. Talk about a kid with a new toy! I couldn't keep my hands off my pecker! (Some say I STILL can't! LOL) An older woman, a customer on my paper route, introduced me to the wonderful world of fucking shortly after I went through puberty but then there was a long "dry spell" before I got lucky with my first girlfriend Vicki as a junior in high school. All that jacking off really got me through those difficult, horny teen and high school years! I didn't need no booze and no dope as long as I had my dick and my right hand. Masturbation is a great stress reliever at any age! Hey it still works for me at almost 70 years of age!



Although it sometimes seems like only yesterday, that night of sexual discovery was fifty seven years ago and I've been jacking off ever since. Even when I was married or in other serious long term relationships I never completely stopped masturbating. Why should I? It's truly one of the joys in life and I feel sorry for people who do not comprehend that. Even if they choose not to do it for religious or other reasons I would hope everyone would at least accept the fact that masturbation is a completely normal and healthy activity for males and females of all ages. There are absolutely no side effects. There are substantial short and long term mental and physical benefits with no side effects. You can do it almost anytime and anywhere! You don't need a partner! There is no danger of pregnancy or catching STD's!! And it's FREE! Hey what's not to like? As the great Woody Allen said to Diane Keaton in "Annie Hall", "Don't knock masturbation! It's sex with someone I love!" Truer words were never spoken! Yeah I still jack off and I ain't ashamed to admit it! Just don't tell any of my close friends, my family or anybody I've ever met in my off line world okay?



So I woke up this morning, looked at the calendar beside my bed and said "Hallelujah! Thank you Jesus! National Masturbation Month is here again!" I already had some "morning wood" (at my age always a GOOD thing!) and with nasty fantasies about my hot new realtor Tracy (who has replaced Sarah Palin as my current #1 jackoff fantasy!) in my ancient mind I started the month and the day by "rubbing one out"..."spanking the monkey"..."wanking"..."jerking off"..."JACKING OFF!" (still my favorite slang term for the male version of this activity!) You know something? Jacking myself off felt just as good as it did that first night I tried it more than a half century ago...well almost as good anyway!



All of you nice guys and gals are welcome to join Horny Old Guy in the festivities during National Masturbation Month! Oh Hell...why limit it to just one month? May it always be May in your pants! More I cannot wish you my friends! LOL



P.S. Feel free to click on and print any of my home made posters above. Post them in your place of work. They will last at least until the boss or some blue nose censor spots them. They may give your co-workers a few chuckles, maybe even a little inspiration to start their day in a pleasant way! You can also save the images as .jpg files and e mail them as attachments to your family and friends. (I can hear you saying "Yeah right!" right now!) Hey us dedicated masturbators of both sexes need to get the word out about this month long celebration of our favorite solo activity! Y'all join in the festivities, ya' hear? Bye now!

Oh yeah here's a little video I made for YouTube about the wonderful month of May:


Christmas 2009...Life is Good!

Jesus Christ! I don't believe it! There is somebody out there even more horny than me...and it's Tiger Fucking Woods!!! Who would have thunk? You da' man Tiger! Actually you're an ASSHOLE! You didn't even use condoms when you fucked some of those sluts! Adultery is bad enough but to not practice safe sex in this day and age, especially for a married man, is absolutely unforgivable! If you really needed something on the side you should have just stayed home and jacked off like me! Yeah I know...that old saying that "a stiff prick has no conscience"! Truer words were never spoken but you're still an ASSHOLE Tiger, in fact you are ASSHOLE OF THE YEAR for 2009! I hope your fucking career is over! (End of Rant!)


A year ago in my Christmas 2008 post (since deleted)I was crying in my beer over my bad case of lack-a-nookie (not getting laid!) and pondering whether I was ever to have the pleasure of eating pussy, having a nice juicy blow job performed on my ancient senior citizen dick or playing "Hide the Salami" with a willing babe again. I was starting to envision myself finishing up my time on earth still jacking off in a nursing home. At age 68 (69 now) thoughts like that do occur to you from time to time although in fact I've been well aware of my own mortality since I was about six years old. Back then the end of the road seemed so far away though! Now even though I'm in extremely good health...well who knows when I'll "blast off" for the last time?


What a difference a year makes though! In January I met a lovely 52 (53 now) year old blond woman named Diane in a Southwest Airlines boarding gate lounge in Denver. You can read about that in the post right below this one. It took until Easter weekend to "get back in the saddle", that is have sex with Diane but since then things just keep getting better and better, sexually and every other way! I'm in love and in lust and I couldn't be happier! Life is good for the Horny Old Guy! Not that I wasn't fairly content when it was just me and my dick and my fantasies you understand but being in a wonderful relationship is just soooo much more rewarding and with such great fringe benefits, getting my weenie sucked regularly being only one of them!


Diane is in Colorado visiting her family and friends for the Christmas and New Year's holidays just as she did last year right before we met. She seems to be getting real serious about moving back to Colorado for good after this school year. She misses her family (parents, daughter, granddaughter) very much and would like to finish up her teaching career (working 6 or 7 more years I believe) where she started it, in her home town of Colorado Springs or somewhere close by. She came out to California when her ex hubby got transferred out here and although she loves California she loves Colorado even more. I can understand that but that could cause some big problems for our relationship, maybe even bring an end to it. Not that I'm absolutely tied down here you understand. I'm retired of course and with my only sister living in Denver and my seldom seen daughter in Oregon a move isn't out of the question for me...and yet I've lived in California all of my life, have lots of friends here and enjoy the climate and all things there are to do here. Cold winters are not my idea of fun either!


I wouldn't mind getting out of Stockton at all though. It's a rather unappealing city (okay it's a dump!) which I have never been overly fond of. I've hinted to Diane that we should buy a house in the foothills of the Sierras, eighty miles from Stockton where she now lives and teaches. I love that area and could easily spend the rest of my life there, especially with Diane at my side. However she's really got Colorado on her mind now and I don't think I can change her mind about moving back. The clock is ticking and we're both going to have to make some big time decisions about the future of our relationship in the next few months. While Diane is in Colorado now and I have nothing much else to do but lay around the house and play with my weenie I'm going to try to begin to give it some serious thought. That's really the purpose of this lame blog post...to at least get me to start thinking about it!


The "m" word (marriage) really hasn't been put on the table yet and that's a subject that somewhat scares me. It's been a LONG time since I've been a serious committed relationship, even a longer time (over 30 years!) since I've been married. I've become somewhat of a loner and very appreciative of my independence. Up until now this relationship with Diane, just like my last relationship with my Filipino princess Marcella, has pretty much been a weekend only thingy. I love the weekends with Diane for the companionship as well as the sex but I also love my time alone during the week. It's hard to explain but I miss Diane during the week and at the same time love the time by myself. Go figure! And yet...and yet...at the ripe old age of 69 (70 next summer!) if I'm not ready to settle down with a companion (who I truly do love!) full time now I will never be! Living together is of course an option but Diane's parents (who I've already met along with the rest of her family) are rather conservative and I'm sure they would rather we be married. I suspect Diane's wishes would be the same. There are also some financial implications (primarily medical and retirement) that favor marriage over living together for both of us too. Oh this is all too much to contemplate at this late hour! I'll think about it tomorrow...or the day after!


So here I am alone once again at Christmas time! No big deal since in recent years that's been the rule rather than the exception. Diane and I celebrated Christmas yesterday (December 19th) and this morning I drove her to the Sacramento airport for her flight to Colorado. Since we've exchanged Christmas presents that means my Christmas shopping is over! Thank you Jesus for that! I've also sent out my Christmas cards and have sent packages to my daughter Jennie in Oregon and my sister Karen in Colorado. Nothing much to do this week but stay away from the freaking mall and relax. I've got plenty of time for jerking off both literally and figuratively!


By the way just because I'm in a relationship I haven't lost my passion for masturbation! Jerking off still gets me through the week while Diane is living and working 80 miles away. Our separations are sometimes a couple of weeks long like right now and when she has other things to do (she's an artist as well as a teacher and does quite a few art shows) on her weekends. Yup jacking off still gets me through the solitary days and nights and feels just as good as it did when I was a horny teenager! Well ALMOST as good anyway!


Enough of this nonsense for now. I realize most of my regular readers (both of them!) are long gone but to anybody who stumbles on this post I thank you for reading and wish you the best of happy holidays. May you have a Merry Christmas and a prosperous, happy and sex filled 2010! I'll be back later in that year to tell you how our relationship is progressing. I feel extremely optimistic that this one is going to have a happy ending but I have been wrong before...many, many times before! Who knows what my crystal ball really holds this year besides lots more jacking off for me? Keep your fingers and anything else you have crossed for the Horny Old Guy. Oh yeah you can keep up with my sexual rants and raves on my TWITTER thingy where I'm just as lame and just as horny as I am here...only not so long winded! Thanks again for reading this crap! Bye for now!

Back in the Saddle...And It's About Time!

Hey it's me and I'm fucking again! Believe it or not my 2+ years of getting sexual relief only from my right hand came to an end on Easter weekend. Since there is hardly anybody out there reading this lame ass blog anymore (and I fully understand that!) I'll try to make this brief but I just feel like I should share the good news and put my feelings in writing! There is more than just sex involved here too. From the very beginning I've had the feeling that this might be a long term relationship, maybe the one I've been looking for for a long, long time! It's early though and only time will tell about that. I've been right where I am now many times before, going back to my first love in high school, a sweet young girl named Vicki. I thought for sure we were going to get married and live happily ever after, just like Ozzie and Harriett and Lucy and Desi on our 1950's TV set. Alas Vicki dumped me for a jock! I had similar optimistic feelings at the beginning of both of my marriages and some other relationships along the way too. Unfortunately all of those love fests fizzled out, some much more quickly than others and for a variety of reasons. I'm too much of a realist now to make any lifelong hearts and roses predictions...and yet...and yet I've got a very good feeling about this one!


My new sweetie's name is Diane. She's an elementary school teacher and artist who lives about 80 miles away in a medium sized town which I better not name to protect her identity. With my luck one of the two people reading this blog would live next door to her or teach at the same school! Diane is a tall, very attractive blond. She's been married once, divorced for the last seven years, 52 years old but looks more like mid thirties, very energetic and athletic, has a great sense of humor and is several times smarter than me. I met her in January in a Southwest Airlines boarding gate lounge at the Denver airport. I had been in Denver visiting my sister Karen and her family and Diane was coming from Colorado Springs where she's got family. I noticed her immediately when she came into the seating area and was pleased when she sat down next to me, probably only because it was one of the few seats left. She actually initiated the conversation, asking me if I heard any recent announcements about our weather delayed flight. We were both going to Sacramento with a change of planes in Las Vegas.


We got to chatting, initially about how miserable air travel is nowadays and one thing led to another and we were soon telling each other all about our lives. Have you ever noticed how travelers will frequently open up to fellow travelers more than they normally would to next door neighbors or even to close friends? No I didn't mention what my favorite hobby (jerking off) is you silly! Our plane turned out to be over two hours late so we went for coffee, walked around and chatted some more to kill the time. On Southwest you don't get assigned seats so it was natural for us to sit next to each other on the plane and continue our conversation. We had a very quick layover in Las Vegas due to our late flight out of Denver and we sat together again on the flight from Vegas to Sacramento. By the time we got off the plane I felt like I had known her six months! We had a late dinner at an airport restaurant in Sacramento, exchanged e mail addresses (no phone numbers) said goodbye and went in separate directions to our homes.


Diane didn't tell me her age that day and thinking she was MUCH younger than myself I really didn't think a romance was in our future. I was however highly turned on by her and when I got home the first thing I did in bed was...oh you know...to thoughts and fantasies of her. I e mailed her the next day telling her how much I enjoyed meeting and talking to her and she immediately e mailed back and said likewise. Soon we were e mailing each other several times a week, still no phone numbers though. That went on for about a month and a half then I found an excuse to go to a Sacramento which is closer to her city. I asked her if she would like to go out to dinner that Saturday night in her town. She responded by e mail saying she would love to do that and gave me her phone number! With thoughts of finally getting laid again running through my ancient brain my cock was throbbing in my pants like a horny teenager as I talked with Diane for the first time on the phone and finalized our dinner date.

Sadly on that first night all I got was a little hugging and kissing on her living room couch. When I put my hand on her breast she stopped me and told me she wasn't ready to get involved with sex yet. Damn the bad luck! Just like when I was a teenager over fifty fucking years ago and many times thereafter... the date ended with a trip home with sore nuts and a late night jack off session. Some things never change! However a couple of days later Diane mentioned to me on the phone that we both should probably have STD tests. Of course that could only mean one thing...Diane was ready and willing to fuck! It's hard to argue with the STD test request nowadays! I told you Diane was a smart woman! I've been a good boy since Marcy and I broke up so I was reasonably sure that I could and would easily pass that test...and I did just that.




Easter weekend was our second "date" and this time we went to Lake Tahoe for the three day weekend, Friday to Sunday. By then Diane had also had a negative STD tests and when I asked her if she wanted two queen beds of one king bed in our hotel room she said "One king is okay with me!" "Hallelujah! Thank you Jesus!" thought the Horny Old Guy, feeling that familiar rising in his shorts! Yup that weekend turned out to be when I finally "got lucky" with Diane for the first time, two lovely nights in a hotel at the lake and Sunday night in Diane's bed in her house. Can you say "pussy whipped" dude? Ah nothing like being away from being sucked and fucked and eating pussy for a while to make you realize what you've missed. I'm happy to say that I didn't even need my Viagra which I had packed for insurance just in case! Since that wonderful weekend there have been two weekend trips to Diane's place and one weekend visit by her to my place. The only weekend we've missed is when she had a seminar to attend. She's coming here next weekend and on Memorial Day weekend we're going back to Lake Tahoe for another lovely and I'm sure sex filled weekend. Life is good!


There is of course the distance thing that makes this less than an ideal romance. There are 80 miles between our homes, 160 miles for a round trip, which pretty much means weekends only at least until Diane's school gets out for the summer. There is also the fact that Diane is from Colorado and since her family (parents, grown daughter, one grandchild) are still there she would like to move back there. Her ex brought her to California when his work brought him out here after their daughter was raised. She likes California but misses her family and old friends and wants to go back to where she was raised, possibly as soon as the end of the school year next year. Then I'm also not quite sure if Diane feels the same passion for me that I do for her. I think she does...but I'm still not sure. We'll have to see what develops in the upcoming weeks and months and see whether our romance blossoms or fades. Like I said before I think this is the start of something very good but for now I'm just going to relax and enjoy it day by day.

I'll let you (both of you!) know what happens but I won't be blogging that much about Diane. I've pretty much shot my wad on blogging. Besides I found out with my last romance with Marcy that there was a good amount of guilt on my part regarding "fuck and tell" or more accurately "fuck and blog". I also worried, maybe without foundation, that Marcy would somehow stumble on my blog which would not have been a good thing. Knowing Diane as I do it would be even less of a good thing with her. I was pleased to find out early on in an e mail that she was an advocate of masturbation but I don't think she would appreciate a blow-by-blow description or even a mention of our intimate moments in a blog. She also doesn't know that I am not only an advocate but the self proclaimed "King of Masturbation" who has let it all hang out (in more ways than one!) in my own X rated blog! This time I'm just going to try to resist the temptation to blab about our sex life on line. All I can tell you is so far that's it's been SUPER! End of subject...at least for now.


I'll be back at some time in the future with an update of how things are going in this new romance but I'm not sure when. I've been experimenting with TWITTER with much more frequent posts but I really should restrain myself (with intimate details about my lust for Diane) there too. Don't forget that May is National Masturbation Month so y'all join in the festivities, ya' hear? Hey with this basically a weekend only thing, at least so far, I'm still doing my part to celebrate during the week you know. I could never give up jacking off completely any more than I could give up breathing anyway. It's just too damn much fun! I'm definitely doing it a bit less now but possibly even enjoying it even more since Diane had made me so horny even when she's not here. Thanks for reading, have a great and sex fulled summer, see y'all on TWITTER!

Oh My God! They're Playing My Song!

Having little to do these days but twiddle my thumbs and play with my weenie I decided to put together a montage of graphics from my web site and still pictures I got from Google Image Search and combine them with a silly song I got from the web which deals with my favorite solitary activity. I wanted to post it on YouTube so I had to keep it fairly clean since YouTube prohibits full frontal nudity and explicit sex. I think it turned out reasonably well and have decided to embed it in my blog for your viewing pleasure. I hope you get a few chuckles out of it. No that fat bastard in the video is NOT me and I sure hope whoever he is he doesn't decide to sue me! You will see a slightly disguised and censored Mike in the video if you look close.



You can see a more explicit version of this video (without the fat man and Imelda Marcos as the Filipino whore LOL) I posted on X Tube HERE.

Who says you can't teach an old dog new tricks? As well as starting a YouTube account and an X Tube account to post dumb and nasty videos I'm also on Twitter, whatever the fuck that is. I'm still trying to figure that one out although it appears to be the lazy man's (or woman's) way to blog and put inane comments about your dull and ordinary life that nobody cares about ("Just took a shit and everything came out fine!")on the web. Oh well that's just what I've been doing right here in this blog for the last 4 years! If you're extremely bored or a glutton for punishment check out my Twitter thingy RIGHT HERE.

I see that you now have to go through a "Content Warning" to enter this blog. According to Blogger "Some readers of this blog have contacted Google because they believe this blog's content is objectionable." Wow! I don't understand why people would think that, do you? LOL Anyway this procedure has apparently taken all of my nasty pictures and graphics out of the Google image search engine which in turn has cut the visitors to my blog WAY down. I was actually getting 10,000 visitors and over 20,000 hits a month from all over the world for a while even though this lame ass blog has been basically dead for almost two years. I now have a mere fraction of those numbers, down by about 80 per cent I think. I guess this means no more Eskimos or Ubangis will be jacking off to my nude pictures of Kate Winslet or Drew Barrymore. Sayonara to all those horndogs in Japan and Bonjour to all those fuckers from France! Oh well...my newfound international popularity was nice while it lasted!

In other news I've recently met someone of the female variety and have the feeling that I soon might be "getting lucky" again if you know what I mean and I think you do. It's still early and only time will tell as to whether the Horny Old Guy will soon be "back in the saddle" but I've got a good feeling about it. Keep your fingers and anything else you've got crossed for me. More about this soon...I hope! Meanwhile there is nothing for me to do but prepare for another "Saturday Night Jack Off" like old Fat Boy in my YouTube video! Thanks for stopping by!

Jacking Off to Sarah Palin!

As John McCain might say "My friends I just can't help myself!" I just have to come out of blogging semi-retirement to name Ms. Sarah Palin, Governor of the great state of Alaska, Republican Vice Presidential candidate and darling of the right wing Rush Limbaugh worshipping crowd as my Celebrity Jack Off Fantasy of the Month...no make it my Celebrity Jack Off Fantasy of the YEAR! Yeah I'll admit it my friends...I've been springing boners and whacking off over Sweet Sarah ever since John McCain announced her as his running mate. By the way just what was that McCain dude thinking? In my most humble and ancient opinion Sarah is about as qualified to be Vice President or President (HELP!) as I am. However she is indeed a good looking babe and at my age I have to take my cheap thrills where I can find them! Yup folks as much as I hate to admit it darn it I've been jacking off to Sarah Palin! You betcha' I have!






Apparently I am not alone in my lust for Sarah. Everybody from teenage boys who consider Sarah "one hecka kewl MILF (Mother I'd Like to Fuck)" to old farts like me (more than old enough to be Sarah's daddy!) are beating our meat while fantasizing what it would be like to see Sarah in her birthday suit or better yet get some head from or play "Hide the Salami" with her. Check out THIS spoof McCain commercial on You Tube entitled "I Masturbated to Sarah Palin" to see what I'm talking about. Yeah it's quite evident that all of us red blooded American males of all ages are jacking off to Sarah! And you thought I had reached bottom when I gave Katy Couric the great honor of being one of my celebrity jack off fantasies eh?



For further proof of the male sexual obsession with Ms. Palin note that Larry Flynt and Hustler magazine are about to release a porno DVD featuring a Sarah lookalike entitled "Nailin' Pailin" (LOL) (above). Then there is the brand new "This is NOT (Right!) Sarah Palin" inflatable love doll shown at left which comes complete with three love holes for your bi-partisan sexual pleasure, $59.95 plus shipping and handling, batteries not included. Hillary Clinton is reported to be envious and angry that a Hillary love doll is not in the works. Bubba agrees and says it's all the media's fault. He says he might even be interested in buying one of those Hillary dolls because he would probably get more sexual satisfaction from it than he does from the real Hillary who of course has never forgiven him for all those juicy blow jobs he got from Monica Lewinsky.


Before I get branded a sexist pig (Really I'm not!) let me add that I voted for Hillary Clinton in the primary and would love to see Senator Clinton or any other intelligent and QUALIFIED woman of either party as president or vice president. God knows they couldn't screw things up any worse than some of the recent occupants of the White House and yes I'm thinking of one president in particular! Sarah Palin is just not the answer though, again in my most humble and ancient opinion! I mean one heartbeat away from the presidency and when that president is 72 years old? Give me a break! Disagree? That is your absolute right and I respect your difference of opinion...even if you're wrong! LOL If you fine people up there in the great frozen state of Alaska (a state I have visited several times and love by the way!) think she is the greatest thing since mooseburgers well that's just fine with me...just keep her up there...please! Sarah will of course remain a fixture in my masturbatory fantasies for some time to come. In fact I'm getting a hard on thinking of her right now!


Unfortunately there is nothing to report regarding my social and sex life since my last posting in May of this year. The summer was a good one for me despite the lack of sexual activity and it went flying by just as it always does. I didn't get laid one time, damn the bad luck! That makes it over a year and a half since I've been able to enjoy the wonderful sports of eating pussy, having my weenie sucked and fucking. Do I miss those things as well as the other aspects of steady female companionship? Well Hell yeah! Even though I'm an optimist at heart and still expect to meet the love of my life, at my age (68! Wow!) I do have to face the fact that my pussy eating and fucking days may be over for good now...and yet...and yet I have no complaints. As I've said before I'm pretty much a happy camper...or happy jerker and my right hand together with fantasies about Sarah Palin as well as that young babe down at the donut shop (among many, many others!) will get me through the lonely nights.


If and when my social life picks up and I have something to say besides "Well I jacked off again last night!" you nice folks will be the first to know. Until then enjoy the fall season and the upcoming holidays! My fellow Americans please don't you forget to vote even if it's for Sarah Palin and that cranky old guy she's running with. This is one of the most important elections I can remember in my lifetime and I've been through quite a few. My sincere apologies to anyone I have offended with this post, particularly those of one of our two major political parties. As always, thanks for reading! Now let me get back to fantasizing about Sarah! And once again the sound of the zipper on the fly of the Horny Old Guy is heard in the distance...