Thursday, April 27, 2006

On Cyber Sex and Phone Sex


Okay I'll admit it! I've gone into chat rooms and cybered a few times! Hell if you've read this blog very long you probably realize that there isn't too much nasty stuff that I HAVEN'T done! Actually I've never found cybering to be that rewarding. It's sort of hard to type with one hand wrapped around your dick and the other on your keyboard. Then it takes so goddamn long with all that back and forth small talk chit-chat foreplay leading up to the main event when you hopefully both blast off. I mean I've spent a couple of hours waiting for the sexual release that a ten minute jack off session with porn would have given me. Yeah I'll concede that it's a rush getting off with some anonymous partner on the other end of the line but I always wonder if HOTTIECHICK_18 is really a fat ass 57 year old gay plumber from Pittsburgh! Lots of bullshit involved in cybering! The cartoon above is probably all too true to life much of the time!


As far as phone sex, I've only done it one time in my life. I'm too fucking cheap to pay for it but one time I got a wrong number in the middle of the night. It was a sexy sounding young gal who said she liked my voice even though it was the wrong number. She sounded so sweet that I even forgave her for waking me up at 2 AM. She was the one who started the nasty talk and I was all too happy to get nasty with her. We ended up masturbating together and I found it quite an erotic experience, much more so than the cybersex has been so far. That warm obviously real female voice on the other end of the line made all the difference and I remember having a powerful ejaculation at the end of our sexy phone fuck. My phone sex babe wanted to meet me so we made a date for the next night at a local restaurant lounge. I showed up but she didn't. It's probably just as well. During the phone sex I told her that I had an 12 inch dick! LOL She would have been in for a BIG disappointment!


I suppose you can cyber using a combination of your computer and a phone line, even use web cams for visual inspiration while you are getting off but I'm too old and too computer illiterate for that. Unless I get another wrong number in the middle of the night, it's just good old fashioned solitary jacking off for this dirty old man. I'll leave all the cybering to all you young whippersnappers. Whippersnapper! I never thought I'd be using that word...pictures of Gabby Hayes are rolling through my head! If you don't know who Gabby is, just forget it! Have a nice day y'all and keep on cybering...or whatever!

Monday, April 24, 2006

Well That Was Kinky!!!



I was watching a movie called "Luna" on late night cable TV the other night. It had a scene where Jill Clayburgh, playing the mother of a rather disturbed teenage boy, jacks her son off while letting him suck on her titty! WHOA DUDE! That was a little too kinky even for me! Of course you didn't actually see Junior's dick but you did see extended close ups of Jill rubbing his crotch through his pants. It was quite obvious what she was doing and quite obvious that she rubbed his dick until he ejaculated, at least according to the script. When he went "Ahhhhhhhh!" you knew mommy had made his stiff little penis erupt! I'll bet that young actor had a woody when that scene was being shot! I wonder if Jill actually brought him to climax or he had to go in his dressing room and finish it himself. (Oh behave yourself Mike!)


Later on in the film Jill Clayburgh lays down on a bed, pulls her skirt up and pulls Junior's face, between her legs, right up against her panties covered crotch. You can even see Jill's prominently displayed "camel toe"! It appears that mama wants her son to do some "yodeling in the canyon" if you know what I mean and I think you do, in other words she wants him to put his mouth in the place he originally came out of! WHOA DUDE! again! How fucking kinky is that? They get into an argument before that strange and rather perverted (but HOT!) incestuous act can take place, damn it!


It's hard to explain but I found both of these two scenes in "Luna" both shocking and erotic at the same time. I ended up jacking off twice before the movie was over, once during the jack off scene and another time when Jill pulled her son's face to her crotch. Speaking for myself, sometimes kinky can be a good thing...especially when it gives me a boner and inspires me to beat my meat!

Not all kinky stuff gives me a boner and makes me want to jack off though! Take for example bondage and/or S and M (sadomasochism)! If there is anything which will cause me to lose my erection quicker than ten minutes of watching Judge Judy on TV it's that fucking stuff! I have never understood it's appeal, don't understand it's appeal now and am quite confident that I will never understand it's appeal! I guess I have the somewhat old fashioned idea that pain and degradation and sex just don't go together all that well.

The first time I walked into an adult book store (probably right after I turned 18) and spotted those black and white pictures of women tied up, tied to chairs, gagged, in various torture poses I was dumbfounded, just couldn't understand now any normal male would be aroused by such (in my mind) repulsive material. It baffles me to this day. I may be wrong but I can't help feel that the devotees of this kind of smut are people I wouldn't even want to be in the room with. Do they really have that much deep seated hatred of women and want to degrade them that much? Do they get sexual pleasure out of fantasizing about this sort of activity? Do they jack off to those fantasies? I just don't fucking get it!


Same thing goes with that S and M stuff which involves leather bound domanatrixes and their "slaves", dungeons, whips and chains and nipple and scrotum clamps (OUCH!) as well every every torture device known to man or beast! I just don't fucking get it! Several very good porn flicks of the 1970's and 1980's, although filled mostly with nasty boner inducing "normal" sex (pussy eating, cock sucking, fucking!) added relatively short graphic S and M interludes which quickly deflated the boner the previous part of the film had induced on me. I think I even stopped jacking off and put my dick back into my pants at the old Pussycat Theatre! I had to avert my eyes from the screen during those scenes in fact. Ewwwww!!! Just not my cup of tea!


Oh maybe it's just "different strokes for different folks"...and God knows if anybody knows about "stroking" it's yours truly! Maybe this bondage/S and M stuff is merely harmless fantasy fodder, sort of like incest fantasies turn some of us on. As long as you don't try to involve people who don't want to be involved or engage in any kind of criminal activity maybe it's okay. Maybe. All I can tell you is I don't like it and don't understand it! In my ancient and humble opinion erotica and porn, even with a little kink involved, is great but hold those fucking whips, chains, titty clamps and the nut sack clamps.. please! Thanks for reading...see you in the dungeon...NOT!

Thursday, April 20, 2006

Yet Another Dirty Old Bastard!


(Click on this article to enlarge text)


Hey these old pervs are giving us horny old guys a bad name! First we had Grandpa Jerkoff (see post below) jacking off in his car right in the middle of downtown and now we have this old fart Phillip Winikoff, 76 years old from Miami, going door to door posing as a doctor and offering free breast exams. Of course what he really wanted to do was cop a feel and he didn't stop at the breasts. The amazing thing is that at least two women accepted his offer! One woman became suspicious because he didn't even wear gloves while he was doing his "exam". I'll bet right now he's sitting in a jail cell (quite rightly!) and wishing he'd just stayed home and jacked off while he just fantasized that he was a doctor and Dolly Parton just walked into his office. I'm not making this stuff up folks...the news is getting very weird!

Well That Makes Sense to Me!

(Click on this article to enlarge text)


So this 81 year old gent in downtown Ridgewood, New Jersey is jacking off in his car when a woman comes by, spots gramps whacking his ancient pecker/ She is not amused and I can't say that I blame her! She calls the cops who come and arrest the old jerker. He tells the cops that it was not possible that he was masturbating because he doesn't have a penis. Well, that makes sense to me! How the hell can you jack off without a dong? He said he had dry skin and was just "itching" it. (Nice try dude!) One smart ass on the web said that the judge ought to go easy on the old guy because there really isn't much to do in New Jersey but jack off in your car! LOL I've been to Bew Jersey and have to agree!

As for me, I'm at least encouraged that some old fart almost old enough to be my freaking father is still able to beat his meat. It gives me new hope for the future! Still I readily admit that it's best to keep it zipped in public at any age and Gramps ought to find a more private place to practice his "hobby". You really don't want to make some nice lady who just had her lunch have to say "Ewwwwww!" do you? Come to think of it, I've probably done just that right here in this blog more than once! A thousand apologizes to all who have been offended! I'll try to keep it zipped myself in the future. Then again...maybe I won't! LOL

Monday, April 17, 2006

Now What???




Now that I've let it all hang out (in more ways than one!) about my sex life up until now, what the fuck do I write about now in this lame ass blog? How many more posts can I do about my current sex life which consists only of compulsive masturbation? I mean I'm even getting tired of writing about jacking off...even if there is no way I'll ever tire of actually doing it!  I suppose I'll think of something but sitting here on this Monday morning with with a post Easter celebration hangover my mind is pretty much a blank.

Hopefully there will be more in my sexual future than jacking off. I can think of a couple of possibilities right now. I am getting very friendly with a thirty something Filipino gal at a coffee shop I frequent almost every morning. She doesn't work there, she's just a customer like me but we both take our coffee breaks about the same time there. She's single and has given some subtle hints that she'd like to do more than have coffee with me. I've given her some not so subtle hints that I'd like to play "Hide the Salami" with her. There is another possibility that I can't talk about too much right now. She is a reader of this blog who lives just down the valley from me. Of course I will respect her preference for complete privacy about our relationship, which is now limited to exchanging explicit e mail, if she desires it. Let me know about that CM! I will say that my e mail friend enjoys frequent masturbation almost as much as I do so at least we have one thing in common...and I think a lot more!


Being an optimist, I picture myself in another romantic long term relationship that will last the remainder of my life. Of course I've been in enough lousy relationships to know that there are things worse than being single and masturbating for sexual relief. This is applicable to both men and women of course. As I've said here before I am pretty content with my present state of affairs. Things could be worse...and they will probably get so! Old age (and I'm talking about the 80's and 90's here!) ain't for sissies you know! My intentions are just to enjoy these still healthy and horny remaining years and take things one day at a time. If I find someone compatible that will be just wonderful. If not, life is still pretty damn good! There are new women to ogle on and off the web, new sexual fantasies to experience and my right hand still works as good as it did when I was 13. In short I'm a happy camper...or happy jerker!

So I guess I'll continue with this incoherent babbling for a while longer. I doubt that the posts will be quite as frequent but with National Masturbation Month coming up next month, this is no time to call it quits! Let's see...now who will be my Celebrity Jack Off Fantasy of the Month for May be?

Friday, April 14, 2006

My Sixties (Part 3) The Rest of the Story!



Well there isn't much more to report on my life story to bring you up to date! I'm now 65, will be 66 in August and there has been very little sex for me except jacking off in the first half of my sixties. I hate to admit it but I've only been with a woman sexually twice in this entire time period. Otherwise it's been just me, my dick and my right hand! Damn the bad luck! The first time there wasn't even any fucking involved and I've already written about the second time...so hopefully this won't take very long!


I met a woman on the bus to Lake Tahoe in the fall of 2003. She got on in Sacramento, sat by me in the crowded bus and we talked most of the way to the lake. Her name was Lily and she was a quite lovely dark haired woman in her late thirties or early forties I would imagine. She was a nurse just taking a two day break for a little gambling and relaxation. She was a very nice gal and by the time we approached the state line I felt comfortable asking her to dinner that night. Since I was at least twenty years older than Lily I wasn't sure that she would go for that but she readily accepted my invitation. We had a nice dinner that evening at Caesar's where I was staying and then went our separate ways. She wanted to do some gambling and I needed to call my real estate agent friend in the area. I was seriously thinking about buying a condo at the lake at the time.

About 10 o'clock I went out and took a walk in the chilly fall air. I met Lily coming out of another hotel casino. I asked her how she was doing gambling and she said not very good. We chatted for a few minutes on the street and I asked her if she wanted to take a walk with me. She said okay and we walked away from the casino areas and down towards the lake itself. We were searching for direct access to the lake but never found it. It's a bit difficult to get to the lake from the casino area, Much of it is apparently private and fenced off which is a shame. We had a nice walk though and talked about many things. One of the things I learned is that Lily had been married for almost 20 years and then had her husband leave her for a younger woman. I invited her to a bar for a drink when we got back to Caesar's. Lily was staying a couple of blocks away in a motel.




After more talk and several drinks we ended up in my hotel room. I didn't know how far I would get but I decided to at least try  to "get lucky" with Lily. The kissing and hugging was fine with her but she quickly laid down the rules with me. No fucking and no oral sex tonight! She was strictly into safe sex and that was okay with me too. As I said before by now I had given up all my whoring and one night stands altogether. She was willing to spend the night with me though and that was good enough for me. I'd had a hard on for her ever since we sat in the bar! We got naked and had a long hugging and kissing and fondling session before we eventually brought each other off with our hands. I kissed her all over except for her pussy and admit that as I kissed her thighs I so much wanted to bury my face in that warm muff but I respected her wishes and moved on, turned her over and kissed her soft, round butt instead. I've always liked hand jobs and her warm soft hand felt so good as she gently and slowly jacked me off. I had the most powerful and rewarding ejaculation I'd had in a long time that night. It was a very nice night! There is really something to be said for safe sex and mutual masturbation!


I had to get up early the next morning to have breakfast with my real estate agent friend Mark. Lily stayed in bed in my room and that was the last I ever saw of her. I came back to the room late morning and she was gone. No note or anything else left in the room. She had talked about taking the afternoon bus back to Sacramento (the same one I was going home on) but she wasn't on it. Maybe she finally hit a jackpot in a casino or found her rich Prince Charming...I don't know but I never saw her again. I had hoped to get her phone number and maybe continue a relationship since Sacramento and Stockton aren't that far apart. I suppose she considered me too old for a steady relationship though and didn't want more than that one night of safe sex. She probably went home on an earlier bus. Maybe she had a steady beau back in Sacramento. Whatever...the one night with her was nice while it lasted!



So it was back to jacking off for the next two years for yours truly. Yeah I know...what else is new? My old ex girlfriend Gloria visited me last fall and believe it or not we actually had oral sex and fucked! I wrote about that when it happened in September in a post entitled "Damn! I Actually Got Laid!" HERE so I won't bore you with the details again. Briefly, I hadn't seen Gloria in about 15 years. We had a rather stormy steady relationship when I was in my late forties and she lived right next door to me. She now lives in Oregon, has been married and divorced twice and was in Stockton to visit her mother. She came over just for old time's sake and we soon ended up in bed...we fucked again just for old time's sake. Since it had been a long time (don't ask!) since I'd engaged in that wonderful sport of fucking, it was absolutely GREAT!

Just like with Lily, it was over all too quickly though. Gloria couldn't spend the night. No going back for seconds or a blow job in the morning! She had to get home to "mommy" (Gloria is in her mid fifties!) and then she was heading back home to Oregon in the morning. We promised to keep in touch by phone or e mail but we've done neither since that night. Our relationship was over a long time ago and yet that one night of fucking was a welcome change of pace from whacking off. At my age, you have to take your thrills when and where you can find them!


That's about it my friends! One hand job and one fuck in the first five years of my sixties! Remember that the final years of my fifties were pretty much limited to jacking off for sexual release too. And you wonder why I am the self proclaimed Horny Old Guy? I'm not going to make stories up about things that didn't happen though. Nor am I complaining or looking for sympathy either. I'm still pretty content with my life. A steady partner for sex and everything else would be welcome and I'm still looking for that but for now I do enjoy my independent lifestyle...and just as it did when I was 13, jacking off and my sexual fantasies still get me through the lonely and not so lonely nights! Hey thanks for reading this goofy blog!

Monday, April 10, 2006

My Sixties (Part 2) Hurrah for Viagra!


So I returned from my around the world post retirement trip right before Thanksgiving in 2000 and began my new occupation as a permanent fuck off...I mean retired gentleman. Now I had lots of time for my favorite activities...ogling the babes, fantasizing about them and jacking off to them! Actually I do much more than that in my life and the days and weeks and months and years continue to go flying by all too quickly. It seems like only yesterday that I retired but it will be six years ago this summer! Aside from my compulsive jacking off there hasn't been much sex in my life but I'll get to that in my next and final post in this boring but true and complete sex life journal.


Today I wanted to talk about Viagra which I first encountered just about the time I retired. I've told you people everything else so I might as well admit that I'm an unashamed Viagra user and say "Thank you Jesus!" to the geniuses who invented it just when I needed it. I think it was about 2000, age 60 for me, that I first noticed that my erections weren't as firm as they had been all of my prior life. I knew it wasn't a case of "Use it or lose it!" as the old wiener has had LOTS of exercise through the years! I was in very good health, not a smoker or heavy drinker so that was not the problem. I just had to face the fact that time was catching up with this old fart and this old dick!


Of course there was no problem jacking off which was all that I was doing sexually at the time. You don't need a full boner for jacking off or even blow jobs for that matter. Keeping the erection through prolonged intercourse might be a little more of a challenge though. I was hoping my days of fucking were not over yet though so I decided to ask my doc about Viagra. He took a quick look at my medical records and said "No problem gramps!" He told me it was quite normal to need it at my age and explained the minor side effects that I might experience. He even gave me a sample six pack along with a prescription. Of course I went right home and popped a little blue tablet even though I was alone and the opportunities for getting laid were zilch.


All I can say is that shit works! The picture at right was actually taken about a half hour after I popped that first sample pill. Viagra is not really an instant hard on pill. You still need some stimulation...a little hand action or just looking at some erotica or porn will do it. In my case, I just started thinking about that gal behind the counter at McDonald's that I'd just love to slip the big salami to and I soon had a raging boner just like I used to get as a teenager. Being alone at the time, there was nothing to do but jack off and that's exactly what I did. A couple hours later I started thinking about pussy again, got another boner and jacked off again. The stuff will last for several hours...plenty of time to go back for seconds. Again, it's not some magical, mythical instant "hard on pill". Your erection will subside between your sexual activities just as it always did. You need some time to "recharge your batteries" (at least most of us do!) but overall it works extremely well and does exactly what it is supposed to do.

Side effects with Viagra are minor. You can get a flushed condition on the face (big fucking deal!), maybe a slight headache, a little nausea or have temporary blurred vision (watch your driving if that's the case!) In extremely rare instances you might get a hard on that won't go down for hours. That might sound like a guy's wet dream come true but it can cause some serious medical problems so you are advised to see a doc (quick!) if that happens. None of these things happened to me. Guys taking nitrite drugs for their heart should definitely NOT use it...it could kill them!!! It's really best to see your doctor. Don't fuck around and try to get it on line. You'll probably pay too much and may even get some phony drug that won't do you any good. Your doctor has heard it before...don't be afraid to talk to him or her about it. Viagra is also quite expensive. Eight to ten dollars per tablet and it's the same price for any dosage so it pays to ask the doc for a higher dose prescription and then cut the tablets in two. My doc actually suggested this to me. Now if Medicare would only cover this damn thing! Actually my retired employee medical plan gives me a big break.

As I said before you don't need a full boner to jack off although I admit I've used a few pills for just that, just as an experiment you understand. I've only had the opportunity to use Viagra for fucking once and I'll talk about that next time. It's just nice to know that the little blue pill is there for us old farts when and if we need it. I've heard some wives and girlfriends are highly pleased with their men's new and improved sexual stamina and others wish the damn thing had never been invented. I'm still searching for one of the former ladies as my companion! Of course if I ever get the chance to fuck Reese Witherspoon or Scarlett Johannson (yeah right!) or that babe from McDonald's I don't think I'll need it! Otherwise it's Hallelujah for Viagra!!!

Oh yeah let me add one more thing. Viagra (and it's equivalents) has got to be the most over prescribed, over used drug in the history of medicine! Of course the pharmaceutical companies would just LOVE to have every guy from puberty on up popping those $10 pills. The truth is that the great majority of younger guys just don't need it. I speak from experience! It does NOT turn you into Superman with a Supercock! It is NOT an automatic hard on pill! If you can get a boner and keep it up while you fuck, save your fucking money! Sex is just as good without it if you don't need it! Ignore all those silly TV ads that make it look like ALL of us guys can't get it up without it. Save it for us old farts...maybe the price will come down if all you young whippersnappers stop buying it! The next thing you know they will be putting it into cereal! Hmmmm...sounds like a real money maker there! Wanna bet that General Mills is working on it right now?

Friday, April 07, 2006

My Sixties (Part 1) Jackin' Around the World!




Yours truly, the Horny Old Guy, turned 60 in August of 2000. Ordinarily this probably would have been a traumatic event, just as my fortieth birthday was but I had decided earlier that my sixtieth birthday would also be the day that I retired so I was actually looking forward to this landmark birthday. I joined the Army right after I graduated from high school and afterwards put another 39 years into civil service, mostly on military bases and by now I was getting burned out by the whole fucking military scene and my job in particular. It was an easy decision to take my pension just as soon as I could!


To celebrate my new state of permanent loafing, I took a three month trip around the world immediately after I retired. Hong Kong, Bangkok, Singapore, Sydney, Auckland, London, Paris, Amsterdam, Brussels, Copenhagen, Oslo, Munich, Geneva, Paris, Rome, Barcelona...yes I jacked off in all of those places! (Romantic, isn't it?) Seriously, masturbation was the extent of my sex life on this trip. No whores in Amsterdam, Bangkok or anywhere else! I had given up whoring for good by now. Sorry but I don't want to fuck a whore who just might have AIDS even with a condom! I'm not even sure I could get it up if I had any doubt she might not be disease free! No playing russian roulette with my weenie! I'd rather just stay home and beat my meat!

I met several women along the way but no relationships really developed. At my age I didn't realistically expect much but I suppose I was secretly hoping I would "get lucky" with a sexy young (or old) traveler or foreign resident somewhere on my long journey. The closest I came was in Hong Kong where I met a thirty something Chinese woman on a bus tour of the city. Her home was actually in LA but she was temporarily teaching English in mainland China  We became friendly and I invited her to dinner that night.


We had a nice dinner, rode the Star Ferry across the harbor and roamed around the beautiful city, stopping for drinks several times along the way. We got along great and despite our age difference I thought I had a pretty good chance of scoring young Asian poontang at the close of the evening. Visions of at least a nice juicy blow job danced around in my dirty old mind all evening! No such luck though! A hug and a thank you was all I got at her hotel room door. She made it clear with her body language that I was not invited in. In fact I almost got the door slammed in my face! Oh well, it was back to my own hotel room with a throbbing cock to jack off! What else is new?


And jacking off is all I did on the rest of that fucking trip! Damn the bad luck! Despite not getting laid once, I still greatly enjoyed that around the world jaunt. It was especially nice to know that when I returned home I never had to go to work again. That wonderful thought along with all the jacking off got me through the nights in sometimes lonely and not so pleasant hotel rooms. I sure would have liked to have fucked that cute Chinese babe though! Oh Hell yeah I would!

Tuesday, April 04, 2006

So Much For Computer Dating!


Well I guess I should have known what my ideal computer date would be, huh?

Seriously I tried computer dating way back in the late 1970's. That's of course before we all had our own personal computers. You sent your profile to a company that fed your data into their gigantic computer (and I still wonder if some of those companies even had an actual computer!) and supposedly the computers kicked out some names of ideal dates for you. For about $20 per year they would send you periodic lists with phone numbers...and the rest was up to you! It was just okay. I met a couple of nice women and a couple that were totally incompatible with me...and no I don't mean that they just wouldn't let me fuck them! Actually I never fucked any of them, not that I didn't try with all but the goofiest and ugliest ones. I was just uncomfortable with the whole concept...and I still am today! I don't even like blind dates set up by friends, let alone  by a fucking computer!




Back then, us computer daters were rare and we sort of felt like freaks. At least I did. I mean you felt like you were a fucking loser, the only guy in town who couldn't find women any other way and had to resort to that damn computer in your pathetic attempt to find a date and get laid. I doubt that many of us even told our friends that we were involved in computer dating. It would have been worse than admitting that your hobby was jacking off (which in my case was also true!) I was relieved when I finally got involved in another relationship and could cancel my membership. Today it's a whole different story of course and millions of us do computer dating. No shame any more and I think it's a good thing! Hell if I didn't think the computer would come up with a match for me like that in the top cartoon, I might even try it again. Then again, I might not!