Monday, May 29, 2006

Damn! National Masturbation Month Is Almost Over!

Do it with a friend or family member! The family that masturbates together stays together!

Say folks have I mentioned that this is National Masturbation Month yet? (What are you laughing at?) Sadly the month is drawing to a close but as someone brilliantly observed in another blog "It's always May in my pants!" I couldn't have said it better myself! I never made it to the San Francisco Masturbate-A-Thon Saturday night! It just seemed too far to go to pay money to jack off in public when I could stay home and do the same thing in private for free. I'm really not an exhibitionist anyway although you might not know it from reading this goofy blog!

Ever since I went to my doctor's office last week for my annual physical I've been jacking off to fantasies about the doc's sexy new receptionist. Of course that's not really her in my illustration at left but believe me this gal looks just as hot! What a babe! She is even making me forget Jessica Simpson, my official Celebrity Jack Off Fantasy of the Month (Sorry Jessica baby!) This beautiful dark haired receptionist was wearing a low cut dress and of course as a card carrying Horny Old Guy I couldn't keep my eyes off of that lovely set of tanned tits. She was sitting, I was standing and oh my God the view was lovely! A more perfect set of boobs you will never see! She was trying to finish my paper work but kept getting interrupted by phone calls so I got to enjoy the scenery for a full five minutes which was more than enough to give me a throbbing hard on, always a good thing at my age! When she got up to go to the copy machine I noticed she had lovely long legs and one of the most delicious looking butts I've ever seen in my life. If I was younger I think I would have shot my wad in my pants then and there!

I barely made it home before I whipped out my still throbbing cock and jacked off thinking of all the things I'd like to do but in reality have no chance in Hell of ever doing to her. Oh what I'd give to feel and kiss and suck those tits, to suck on those nipples, to eat that luscious young pussy and to have those long legs wrapped around me as I fucked her! She's been in my jack off fantasies ever since! I may even make an appointment for another annual physical. On second thought, one finger up the pooper once a year is more than enough! Maybe I'll just be lucky and get sick! LOL Meanwhile my sexual fantasies along with frequent jacking off will get me through the rest of this three day holiday weekend and the rest of this wonderful month. Just writing about her has given me another stiff boner and the celebration is about to begin again right now! I hope all of you people will join in the festivities with your own fantasies and enjoy these final few days of National Masturbation Month! I also hope that it will always be May in your pants! More I cannot wish you my friends!

Thursday, May 25, 2006

Some Women Just Don't Understand!

Most of the women in my life including my two ex wives have never really understood my need to masturbate while I was in relationships with them. I never kept my "hobby" a secret from any of them and tried to explain that even though I loved them and the sex with them which was much more rewarding than masturbation...well jacking off just felt a little different and it was something I needed to do from time to time. I didn't mention that I frequently fantasized about other women when I jacked off. That's hard NOT to do when you are looking at porn! Maybe they suspected that other women theory and that was the basis of their objection. I think most just felt that since we were having sex together I shouldn't need any additional sexual relief on the side. Some may have thought that they weren't adequately satisfying me and felt bad about that or thought it was a reflection on their lack of sex appeal...which never was the case!

It's not like I had another woman on the side. In my two marriages and all of my serious relationships I've been extremely faithful despite the many temptations I've faced along the way. One woman has always been enough for me. I expected fidelity from my partners and felt that I owed them the same thing. My only mistress throughout the years has been my right hand! What's wrong with a little jacking off on the side? I mean if it really offended them I was willing to take my copy of Playboy or Penthouse in the bathroom with me. Hey us guys like hot cars, cold beer, football, the 3 Stooges, blow jobs...and jacking off! What part of that don't these women understand?

Maybe it's just another basic difference between men and men think the Three Stooges are comedic geniuses and women think they are imbeciles. Men think that it's okay to jack off while in a relationship and (some) women think that they are pervs for doing so! That doesn't go for all women of course. I suspect today's young women are much more enlightened and accepting of the whole concept of masturbation, in and out of relationships, than those of my generation. They probably don't even hide their vibrators anymore! Few of my women partners in olden days even admitted to me that they masturbated...ever! Again this is much more a reflection of my own generation. Judging from the female written blogs I read, modern women don't try to hide the fact that they get great enjoyment out of masturbation and that's a good and healthy thing!

In the great Woody Allen movie "Annie Hall" Diane Keaton who played Woody's girlfriend (a role she also played in real life) made a negative comment about the Woody Allen character's masturbation. Woody's reply was "Don't knock masturbation! It's sex with someone I love!" Truer words were never spoken my friends. They apply to both men and women and they are so appropriate for this final week of National Masturbation Month. Masturbation is truly one of the joys of life! Enjoy!

Monday, May 22, 2006

Only 10 More Days to Celebrate!

Well the month of May is flying by folks. There are only about ten more days left to celebrate National Masturbation Month! I certainly hope that you nice people have been joining in the festivities with me. Of course masturbation is something most of us do year round but this is the month to acknowledge our passion for that wonderful activity and celebrate and do it even more! I'm definitely doing my part! Three more joyous jacking off extravaganzas over the weekend! I've been feeling like a horny teenager all month at at age 65 that is definitely a good thing! I sure wish I had some female companionship about now. I don't think I'd even need my Viagra!

I'm seriously thinking of taking the Greyhound bus from Stockton over to San Francisco this Saturday (May 27) and participating in the annual Masturbate-a-Thon. It's a charitable event sponsored by the San Francisco Center for Sex & Culture in which participants masturbate in a public space to raise funds for non profit sex education and raise awareness of the use of self-pleasure as a form of safe sex. That sounds like it would be right up my alley! I'm going to inquire today to see if they have a seniors category and find out exactly what it takes to enter. You can read all about the Masturbate-A-Thon in San Francisco at I believe other cities including Portland Oregon have similar events so you might check your local area if you are a closet exhibitionist or just want to attend as a voyeur. The San Francisco event will apparently be broadcast on live webcam for home viewing around the world which is sort of cool. The big question is do I have the "balls" to make a fool of myself on an around the world live webcam like I do in this silly blog. I need to think a little more about that but the answer is probably "Oh Hell yes!" Should I start "practicing" now?

Thursday, May 18, 2006

I Had Another Dream!

On the subject of dreams I was thinking about another silly dream I had a while back when I first started taking Viagra. I dreamed that I woke up one morning and found my cock had greatly increased in length overnight. It was now about 15 inches long and I had a morning boner that wouldn't go down so I couldn't take my morning pee. In the dream I called my doctor and he told me that was a normal side effect with Viagra and that I should just masturbate to make it go down and then I would be able to take that piss. Well as you know it doesn't take much encouragement to make me start jacking off so that's just what I began to my dream you understand!

About that time I woke up from my dream with my hand wrapped around my hard cock. I was actually sort of relieved to feel that my dong was just it's natural average size. Not wanting to waste some morning wood (which doesn't come everyday for me anymore!) I jacked off! Dreams can be so silly at times! Of course Viagra has absolutely nothing to do with making your cock longer, it just helps you get and maintain your normal sized erection. I have no idea where some of these goofy dreams come from!

Actually when I was a teenager I used to wake up quite often with normal sized "morning wood" boners so stiff that I couldn't piss even though I really felt the need to do just that. Of course it's pretty difficult if not impossible to pee with a full hard on. You can't even aim the damn thing down toward the toilet! The only solution on many an occasion was to jack off first. Not that I ever objected to that you understand! Then and now, jacking off is a wonderful way to start your morning and your day! In my teen years I would normally just give myself a quick wanking session in bed, then wait for my cock to go limp (that took a little while back then!)...and then I would go pee! No problem!

Once in a while I would get all the way into the bathroom, half awake and half asleep, before I realized a had a stiffy and needed to jerk it off before I took that morning piss. I normally wore pajamas to bed but one hot night when I slept in the nude my mom caught me in the hallway heading towards the bathroom in the wee hours of the morning. Stark naked and with a raging hard on! I didn't think anybody in the house was up at that early hour. Mom thought it was pretty amusing but aside from the time my sister caught me jacking off it was the most embarrassing incident of my young life. Some things you just don't want your mom to see you know...especially at that age! It seems funny to me now too...but believe me not then!

Getting back to dreams....I think I've mentioned it before but I've never had one "wet dream" in my life. For years I thought something was wrong with me but I finally figured out that since I've been jacking off (or having sex with a partner if I was lucky) almost daily since I was pre-puberty, wet dreams (nature's way of releasing that built up sperm and semen) weren't really necessary in my case. Duh! Sometimes I wonder if I've missed something though. Nasty wet dreams actually sound like fun! I wish I could stop jacking off long enough to have one! On second thought regular jacking off is too much fun! Fuck those wet dreams!

Tuesday, May 16, 2006

I Had A Dream!

I had a dream last night where I went out to our university here in Stockton and put up a giant poster covering the entire side of a building. The poster promoted National Masturbation Month and my blog and featured an old picture of me jacking off. The sad part was that all the students were just walking by and completely ignoring my lovely poster. Oh well...I guess they already know that this is National Masturbation Month. I've certainly been doing my part in celebrating and I hope you people have also been doing your part. Three times in twenty four hours over the weekend! Not bad for a "senior citizen" eh? Let the festivities continue!

Saturday, May 13, 2006

Jesus Christ I Don't Believe This!

Click on the two part images below to enlarge text and read article:

Religious fanatics are sending "Every Soldier's Battle" kits to our troops in Iraq encouraging them to refrain from infidelity, pornography, masturbation and even looking at another female soldier, all in the name of Jesus. Now let me get this straight. You are putting your life on the line every day fighting at the very least a questionable war in the shithole called Iraq. You live in close quarters in an all male environment under extremely stressful conditions. Your wives and girlfriends are thousands of miles away and there aren't any whores around to give you the sexual release you so desperately need. And yet you aren't even supposed to jack off? Unless things have really changed since I was a young and horny GI, I don't think that this religious wacko nonsense is going to fly with too many of the troops!

You can make a legitimate case for refraining from adultery I suppose...but no pornography, no even LOOKING (in lust or otherwise!) at one of the very few women around you and especially no jacking off??? I DON"T THINK SO DUDE! One of the biggest problems in the service, especially under battlefield conditions, is lack of privacy but where there is a will there is a way! As someone who spent three years in the Army beginning nearly a half century ago I can tell you that even way back then it wasn't that hard to find a place to relieve your built up sexual tension. Private toilet stalls on and off your duty post were your friends! Basic training and combat conditions can be challenging for jack off opportunities but otherwise you can usually find a time and place to rub one out when you when the much more desirable female companionship is not available!

Even in Iraq you can bet that there is a considerable amount of fucking going on between the more fortunate male and female troops, a lot more checking out the porn on the web and almost universal discreet masturbation by both men and women wherever the limited privacy can be found. Nothing at all wrong with any of that, regardless of what the goddamn bible thumpers think! Sometimes I truly get disgusted with religious bullshit, be it from the homicidal Muslim fanatics, the repressive living in the 17th century Catholics or the bible thumping Jerry Falwell/Pat Robertson variety Evangelicals. Here's hoping and PRAYING that our troops are ignoring all this anti-sex nonsense and enjoying National Masturbation Month along with the rest of us. Here's even more hoping and praying that they all will be safely home soon! God bless us all!

Thursday, May 11, 2006

Anybody Remember Johnny Fuckerfaster?

Does the name Johnny Fuckerfaster ring a bell with anyone? Little Johnny was the subject of the first dirty joke that I ever heard in my life. I must have been about ten years old back around 1950 when I first heard it. There were several variations which all concerned this little boy with the ludicrous name of Johnny Fuckerfaster (pride and joy of the Fuckerfaster family?). He invites Mary, the girl next door up to his bedroom and proceeds to bribe her with cookies to get her to do the things he wants her to. "I'll give you another cookie if you take your panties off!", etc. Well of course eventually he gets her naked and with one more cookie she lets him stick his stiff little weenie in her. He is fucking away when suddenly his mom barges into his room and seeing what is going on shouts "JOHNNY FUCKERFASTER!!!" Johnny's reply (get comes the punch line!) is "Gee Mom I'm fucking her as fast as I can!" Did you ever hear a more lame joke in your life? Yet to us ten year old boys, who hadn't really figured out what this nasty "fucking" thing was all about, the joke was hilarious! I'm pretty sure we got little boners in our pants just like Charlie Brown did in the cartoon.

For a long time I thought Johnny Fuckerfaster was just a bad local joke made up by some neighborhood kid but years later in the Army I found that guys from all over the country had heard the same joke or a variation of it in their own neighborhoods. To many of them it was also the first dirty joke they ever heard. So I guess Johnny was a nationwide phenomenon. I sort of doubt whether today's kids are familiar with Johnny but to my generation and probably several other generations we will never forget him or that lame ass joke. I still vividly remember exactly where I was when I heard it and who the kid was that told it to me. If fact we later tried to pull the Johnny Fuckerfaster method on a neighborhood girl at his house (except we were bribing her with letting her watch TV instead of cookies). We didn't get any further than getting her panties off and showing her our erections but even that was fun enough for us. Long live Little Johnny Fuckerfaster!

The great underground cartoonist Robert Crumb has made the legendary Johnny Fuckerfaster one of his characters:

Tuesday, May 09, 2006

Yup! I Know Women Masturbate Too!!!

I received an e mail from a nice woman named Ellie who told me that I was concentrating way too much on male masturbation and asked "Don't you know that us women masturbate too?". Yes my dear Ellie I am well aware of that fact! I really didn't mean to slight women in any manner but I guess that because I'm a guy and jacking off is what us guys do and at present jacking off is my only means of sexual release that's what I frequently babble on about in this lame ass blog. I'm not quite as obsessed with jacking off it as it might seem though. Now as a teenager I was truly obsessed but I've matured...a little bit...I think. At least it's not on my mind 24/7 anymore!

Women are much more qualified to discuss the fine art of female masturbation than us men are anyway and I'm happy to see it mentioned and even discussed in detail in so many female written blogs, and for that matter in society in general. I grew up in an era when most women wouldn't admit that they EVER masturbated, even to their husbands and boyfriends. It's great to see the subject now candidly mentioned by women, often in blogs that don't even have that much to do with sex otherwise.
In my own personal life, my last couple of girlfriends have admitted that they used vibrators and that's a major change from the women I used to date and have relationships with. Admittedly the subject is a major turn on for most of us guys too...we love to hear about it, read about it and of course love to see pictures and videos of women masturbating. Even better is seeing our partners do it in front of us in real life! Very, very erotic to most of us!
In honor of National Masturbation Month the Horny Old Guy officially recognizes and fully approves of the wonderful act of female masturbation. Masturbation is certainly equally normal, healthy and fun for both sexes! Come to think of it multiple orgasms actually make it MORE fun for women! Now I'm jealous! All women are cordially invited to join in the festivities and excuse me for not making the invitation more clear before! Let the jacking AND the jilling begin!!!

Saturday, May 06, 2006

Jacking Off to Jessica Simpson!

I got so excited about this being National Masturbation Month that I almost forgot to name my "Celebrity Jack Off Fantasy of the Month"! A comment on one of my previous posts suggested Jessica Simpson as a future recipient of this great honor. After checking out her pictures on line I said "OH HELL YEAH!" Jessica is a babe alright and I'll be fantasizing about slipping the salami to her during my Saturday night jack off sessions all this month. Thanks to that kind gentleman for suggesting Ms. Jessica! Now I just have one small question...WHO THE FUCK IS JESSICA SIMPSON? I was sort of expecting her to be a cartoon character from that "Simpsons" TV show which shows you how much I follow modern pop culture!

By the way I've had sexual fantasies about some of those Simpsons cartoon characters too but that's a whole different story! Judging by the many X rated Simpson cartoon spoofs on the web, I'm certainly not alone there! Nothing too unusual about nasty fantasies about cartoon characters for me because as a young boy I used to jack off while imagining myself as ALL of the seven dwarfs as they took turns fucking and getting sucked off by Snow White! Later I fantasized about me being the prince who woke up Sleeping Beauty but the kiss that did it was between her legs instead of on the lips.

Oh my God this is getting way too silly (even if it's true!) Have a nice weekend everyone but don't forget this is National Masturbation Month so y'all join in the festivities with or without Jessica Simpson, my Jack Off Fantasy of the Month!

Thursday, May 04, 2006

Celebrity Masturbators

Well this is sort of old news but Kevin Costner has joined the ranks of celebrities caught jerking off in public. It seems that in October 2004 Kevin was staying (with his wife!) at a hotel in Fife, Scotland. While there he received a massage from a masseuse (apparently a legit one) employed by the hotel. During the massage Kevin kept putting his hand under the towel and later whipped off the towel and continued masturbating to ejaculation right in front of the shocked masseuse. The woman complained to management, was subsequently fired and sued the hotel for unfair dismissal and sexual discrimination. Costner's name was kept out of the press until recently when the woman received a settlement. Kevin has refused to comment on this incident. It's important to note that he personally was not charged by the masseuse, the hotel or the police. Where there is smoke there is fire though and it's easy to hush things up for a while when you are a big movie star! Kevin's refusal to comment makes me think that he's guilty as charged and the newest member of the celebrity public wankers club. Kevin you nasty boy!

Pee Wee Herman (Paul Reubens) is the most famous public jerker of course. Pee Wee was caught by police playing with his Pee Pee in an XXX rated movie theater in Sarasota Florida in 1991. It was just fucking bad luck! If they had arrested every dude who jacked off in an adult movie (including yours truly!), they would have to have built thousands more jails and our courtrooms would be totally clogged by public wankers! The incident with Pee Wee put a quick end to his career though which is sort of sad I think. His children's TV show was cancelled and he lost all his product endorsements. He's done a few things since under the Paul Reubens name but basically his career went down the toilet. You can't think of Pee Wee anymore without picturing him jacking off in that movie theater. You would think that the police would have better things to do than look for movie theater masturbators...but I guess least down there in sunny Sarasota! Pathetic waste of taxpayer's money in my humble opinion!

Then there was pop singer George Michael who got arrested for jerking off in front of an undercover police officer in a rest room (a known gay cruising spot!) in a state park in Beverly Hills, California in 1998. I don't think it really harmed George's career that much. It shouldn't have since in pop music you can apparently murder people and not have it damage your career. Whacking off in a public toilet in comparison to the things rap "artists" (what a joke that is!) get away with seems almost saintly! And yet you can't think of George Michael now without thinking of him beating his meat in that shithouse stall!

I guess the point to all this is that it's best to celebrate National Masturbation Month in private, especially if you are a well know celebrity! Not bad advice for the rest of us wankers either! Hope all you fine folks are celebrating the month with me! Join in the festivities y'all!

Monday, May 01, 2006

National Masturbation Month is Here!

(Click on the above poster and print it! Put it on the bulletin board in your workplace! Guaranteed to get a few chuckles before the boss, some p.c. weenie or religious fanatic tears it down!)

When I was just a lad (a long, long time ago!) on this date (May 1) every year us boys used to love to shout out in the school yard:
"Hooray! Hooray! It's the first of May!
Outdoor fucking starts today!"

Those lovely words still apply of course but today this date takes on even more significance because it's the first day of "National Masturbation Month"! There's not much more to say except y'all join in the festivities! I'll probably be babbling more than normal about jacking off this month and yeah I didn't think that was possible, did you? Enjoy the day, enjoy the month and by all means take time out to enjoy one of our favorite activities from pre puberty to old age...masturbation! To repeat the immortal words of that brilliant sage Woody Allen just one more time, "Don't knock masturbation! It's sex with someone I love!" Truer words were never spoken my friends!

Masturbation is completely normal and healthy (despite what your Mom told you or the Pope says!) for both males and females of all ages. It's the safest sex act you can perform. Absolutely no danger of STD's or pregnancies. You don't need a partner and you can do it almost any time and any place. It's also free! There are also no side effects at all. To the contrary there is increasing evidence of substantial short and long term mental and physical benefits. What's not to like? It's the most fun you can have by yourself! All I can tell you is that I've been jacking off since I was 12 and I'm 65 now and still doing it. I ain't blind or crazy yet either. Yup friends masturbation is truly one of the joys of life in my most humble and ancient opinion! Now let's all celebrate! Let the jacking and jilling begin! ENJOY!!!