Thursday, May 11, 2006
Anybody Remember Johnny Fuckerfaster?
Does the name Johnny Fuckerfaster ring a bell with anyone? Little Johnny was the subject of the first dirty joke that I ever heard in my life. I must have been about ten years old back around 1950 when I first heard it. There were several variations which all concerned this little boy with the ludicrous name of Johnny Fuckerfaster (pride and joy of the Fuckerfaster family?). He invites Mary, the girl next door up to his bedroom and proceeds to bribe her with cookies to get her to do the things he wants her to. "I'll give you another cookie if you take your panties off!", etc. Well of course eventually he gets her naked and with one more cookie she lets him stick his stiff little weenie in her. He is fucking away when suddenly his mom barges into his room and seeing what is going on shouts "JOHNNY FUCKERFASTER!!!" Johnny's reply (get ready...here comes the punch line!) is "Gee Mom I'm fucking her as fast as I can!" Did you ever hear a more lame joke in your life? Yet to us ten year old boys, who hadn't really figured out what this nasty "fucking" thing was all about, the joke was hilarious! I'm pretty sure we got little boners in our pants just like Charlie Brown did in the cartoon.
For a long time I thought Johnny Fuckerfaster was just a bad local joke made up by some neighborhood kid but years later in the Army I found that guys from all over the country had heard the same joke or a variation of it in their own neighborhoods. To many of them it was also the first dirty joke they ever heard. So I guess Johnny was a nationwide phenomenon. I sort of doubt whether today's kids are familiar with Johnny but to my generation and probably several other generations we will never forget him or that lame ass joke. I still vividly remember exactly where I was when I heard it and who the kid was that told it to me. If fact we later tried to pull the Johnny Fuckerfaster method on a neighborhood girl at his house (except we were bribing her with letting her watch TV instead of cookies). We didn't get any further than getting her panties off and showing her our erections but even that was fun enough for us. Long live Little Johnny Fuckerfaster!
The great underground cartoonist Robert Crumb has made the legendary Johnny Fuckerfaster one of his characters: