Thursday, August 31, 2006

Jacking Off in a Bottle!

A new experience for me! I've pissed in a bottle many times for routine physicals but have never been asked to jack off in a bottle, at least up until now. Of course with my recent vasectomy, the urology doc wants to make sure that there are no sperm thingies in my semen so he says that I should have three semen checks one month apart just to make sure of that. Until then he says that I should keep using condoms while fucking Marcella, which is just what I've been doing. I thought he said two checks before but today he told me three of them is the safe way to do it, and that's assuming all three checks are negative which he says they almost always are. The most practical way to do these checks is to have me jack off in a bottle...and who am I to argue with that? I can't think of another more pleasurable medical procedure! As I said several times before, at my age you take your cheap thrills where you can find them!

So I went into the doc's office bright and early this Thursday morning for my first cum check. My last sexual release was when Marcella sucked me off on Sunday morning so my pump was definitely well primed. Four days without an ejaculation is about as long as I care to go, even at my age! I had a semi boner when I walked in the office this morning. The doc's nurse took me into an examining room and explained what was about to happen. She asked when the last time I had an ejaculation was and if I had any pain or discomfort during sex since the vasectomy. Nope! She also asked me approximately how many ejaculations I'd had since the operation and all I can say was "A lot!" which is the truth!

Nobody told me that I was supposed to keep track but I guess the more ejaculations you have, the sooner all the sperm will positively be gone from your semen. Remind me to increase my frequency of fucking and jacking off starting this afternoon! The nurse was cute and her asking all these questions about sex combined with my already established horniness and semi hard on was giving me a full fledged boner! It's a good thing I still had my clothes on. I've had problems with springing boners in front of nurses in the past, even once in front of a female doctor. I wrote about those totally embarrassing incidents HERE a while back in this blog.

The nurse then led me down the hall into a small room with a sink, a toilet and a cot. She handed me a semen collection kit, just a small plastic bottle with a wide lid and some instructions, all sealed in plastic and told me to "have fun". I was tempted to reply something like "It will be more fun if you come in here with me!" but I resisted the temptation. I may be a dirty old man but I'm also a gentleman, believe it or not! I unwrapped the kit and read the instructions. Washing my weenie thoroughly was the first thing that I was required to do. There were supplies for that on the shelf above the sink. The instructions also said not to use any lubrication while masturbating and make sure the entire ejaculation fluid went into the bottle. There was also an illustration on how to masturbate! (Are they kidding? Showing ME how to jack off?) A sign on the wall advised using the cot rather than the toilet to perform the necessary activity. No explanation was given although I guess it would be easier to aim and shoot your wad into the bottle while laying down.

The bad news is there was no fucking porn anywhere to be seen in the room! Not even an ancient fucking copy of Playboy! Damn the bad luck! Didn't I see in all those movies (like "The Right Stuff", about the early astronauts) where they offered you some visual inspiration to accomplish your required meat beating task? I was hoping for a DVD player, a big screen plasma TV and a DVD copy of "Debbie Does Dallas 26"! Maybe if I'd asked, they would have provided some magazines or something. Maybe it's just too politically incorrect to have porno around nowadays. I haven't got a clue but I was disappointed to see there was none to be found.

Not that I really need any visual inspiration to jack off you understand, especially after four "dry days". Just washing my dick had brought my dick standing at attention again, even after the cutie pie nurse left. I laid down, pulled down my pants and shorts and went to work. Oh if that nurse only knew who I was fantasizing about as I jacked myself off. I still could hear her and the receptionist (a bit older but still very attractive) talking out in the office. I started fantasizing myself in a threesome with the two of them...them taking turns sucking me and then me going down on and fucking them both...OH YEAH!!!SPURT!!!....AHHHHHHHHH!!! MISSION ACCOMPLISHED! If only all visits to the doctor could be as much fun! This sure beats the finger up the old pooper! LOL

I put the lid on the bottle, cleaned up myself, waited a couple of minutes for my stiffy to go down, pulled up my shorts and pants and took the bottle out to the nurse who said "Well that didn't take long, did it?" I'm happy to report that I again resisted the temptation to get her a smart ass answer. She put the bottle away and then took me back into the examining room and told me the doctor would "be right with me". Close to an hour later (!) the doc came in, told me to drop my pants and shorts, give me a quick check-up and said that everything looked fine "down there".

The doc then told me that two more monthly semen checks would be necessary, that I should continue having as many regular ejaculations as possible (no problem there!) and he would see me in a month. I'll find out the results of this jism check next week. I said thanks and goodbye to him and also to the nurse and receptionist on the way out (if they only knew!)...and here I am back home again. That's probably more than you ever wanted to know about semen checks and I promise I won't bore you with the subject anymore. You can tell you lead an exciting life when the high point of your day (or week!) is jacking off into a bottle in a doctor's office!

I'll be back tomorrow to name my Celebrity Jack Off Fantasy of the Month for September. Yeah I can hardly wait! Now it's time for lunch and a nap and then maybe I'll jack off again. You have to follow your doctor's instructions you know! Frequent ejaculations he wants, frequent ejaculations he'll get! I can't wait to tell Marcella about the doc's prescription! Cheers!


Jess said...

I can't believe that they didn't offer anything Thank God for your talented imagination huh? :p

PastaLaVista said...

Horny old guy. I love your site. I always get a laugh when I visit. Love your picture work. The movie marquee thing was hillarious. Hey I drove through Stockton yesterday. You were the first thing I thought of. Take care stud.

Horny Old Guy said...

Jess I really meant to ask the doc about the lack of visual inspiration (porn!). If you were nervous or uptight about jerking off in a bottle, it really might help to get you and the old pecker in the mood. Thank God I am a professional masturbator who is always in the mood to whip it out and jack it off!

Thanks for those kind words pastalavista! Generally speaking, the faster you get through Stockton the better as you may have noticed! Sorry Mayor! Thanks for thinking of me as you whizzed through dude and glad you enjoy my silly pics here!

Anonymous said...

Hi HOG, Things have changed in that room and not for the better. I had a stack of mags to look at when I did mine over 15 years ago. Next time go on the net, print out a few stories and pics, but them in your pocket and enjoy...But like me, we can cum in front of any woman or man in my case,,,Bi for now Rob

Richard Lovel said...

I fondly remember when I had my vasectomy. My wife "milked" me into the bottle (at home) and then I had the delicious humiliation of presenting my bottled semen (in a brown paper bag) to the female office technician.