Thursday, March 29, 2007

Those Good Old Dirty Movies (Part 2)


Continuing my personal recollection of the good old days when you went to your local sleazy adult movie theater to get your cheap sexual thrills instead of slipping a DVD into the player or doing a Google search for "Big Titted Hungarian Midgets Who Take It Up the Pooper"...or whatever turns you on...and NO that is NOT what turns me on!



The only hardcore films available up until almost 1970 were strictly illegal and known as "stag films". Stag films have been around since the beginning of the movies. I believe the earliest one that exists today was made around 1915. Stag films were crudely made black and white silent shorts, usually running 10 to 12 minutes each. As you might suspect there was nothing much to them but 10 or 12 minutes of fucking and sucking. Prostitutes were usually the female stars, along with their johns and other volunteer male studs, some of whom wore "Lone Ranger" type face masks to hide their true identity. Fucking with black socks on seemed to be fairly common in the stag films too. I'm not sure what that was all about unless those dudes wanted to be able to jump into their shoes if the cops showed up!


Among the more famous hardcore stag films was one called "Smart Alec", made in 1951 in a hotel room in Texas and  which starred the future well known stripper Candy Barr (right). It's probably the only one of these explicit flicks that featured a known celebrity although Marilyn Monroe, Barbara Streisand and even Chuck Conners (in a gay stag flick!) have been rumored to have made stag films in their pre-famous days. From all that I've read it really was people who just looked like these stars in these films...but I'm no expert on the subject and this is all from memory. The point is that it was almost all unknowns who starred in these flicks. Another of the more notorious stag films was "Nun's Story" which featured a woman dressed as a nun who is visited by a horny priest who slips his Holy Salami to her. Hmmmm...a horny priest? Where have I heard that before? A definite precursor of things to come!

Stag films were almost always shown to all male audiences, in private clubs, fraternity houses, whorehouses and other places that men gather without women. These showings were generally known as "smokers", I suspect because most men being smokers back then it rapidly became a smoke filled room. Lots of drinking would probably add to the fun! There were men who would work specific geographic areas or even travel the whole country with their 16mm projectors and a stash of stag film reels and for a fee would put on a show for their horny male clientele. Remember this was the only way you could view pornographic movies prior to the late sixties, unless you were rich enough to have your own 16mm movie projector and private library of illegal smut.



The films themselves were duplicated time after time and floated around the stag film circuit for decades. Duping, repeat showings combined with normal projector wear and tear caused most prints to eventually be extremely splicy and scratchy, some almost unwatchable. The first stag film (and first porno film) that I ever saw in my life was in a bar/whorehouse in Juarez Mexico when I was in the Army and stationed across the border at El Paso's Fort Bliss. The year was 1961. You paid fifty cents to go upstairs and watch one of these one reel wonders. Hopefully it would get you in the mood to fuck one of the senoritas downstairs. Hey it worked for me although I was usually in the mood for that activity the minute I walked in the door of the bar! Ah yes those were the days! A few years later a friend who owned an adult book store showed me some more stag films from his own private collection. They were all pretty lame then and they look even more lame today. Just like the softcore adult films before the censorship barriers tumbled down, they seem dated and mostly extremely boring. Several collections are available on DVD if you are interested though. They do have some historical value and some are even good for a few laughs which is more than you can say for the more mainstream (legal) softcore features that you saw in theaters in the pre-porno era. I'm glad somebody saved them!


Denmark legalized pornography in 1968 and short films made in that country started being exported around the world though they were still technically illegal in most other countries including the USA. They were in color and with younger, more attractive models and modern settings made the old black and white stag films look like real antiques. They were also available in 8mm and playable on the 8mm home movie projectors that many people had in their own homes. Soon American producers were starting to produce their own porno shorts and market them in the bigger, more liberal cities, such as New York, Los Angeles and San Francisco and also via mail order.


There were some attempts to seize and ban the hardcore films and prosecute their producers but movie pornography for the masses had finally got it's foot in the door and there was no turning back to the softcore era. President Nixon, the religious fanatics and other blue noses didn't like it but pornographic films were widely available in America and here to stay! "Thank you Jesus!" said Mike, the 28 year old Horny Young Guy whose first marriage had just broken up and who was back to searching for material to help him enjoy his favorite solitary activity, jacking off. Jesus that sounds like me right now doesn't it? Deja vu all over again! Since you still couldn't see real porno in adult theaters I bought a few of those nasty 8mm movie films to run on my home movie projector. They did provide some mighty fine inspiration for jacking off too! I may just dig out that old projector and films this weekend!


Oh by the way, these domestic 8mm color porn flicks introduced American and world wide audiences to the guy pictured at right, who was to become the BIGGEST (in every sense of the word!) male star in porno for the next 15 years...John C. Holmes, also known as Johnny Wadd in his early flicks. He's said to have fucked thousands of women with that humongous dongus. Some guys have all the luck! "Big John" got hung up on drugs and died of AIDS after being a suspect in a bloody murder spree though. On second thought I think I'd rather be me, even with my average sized tally whacker! In his time he was "da man" in adult films though and he got his start in those short, silent porno "loops". They were known as "loops" because in addition to being sold for the home market they were put into coin operated vending machines and placed in peep show arcades. The ends of the films were spliced together and they ran in a continuous "loop". Put in another quarter and you'll see a few more minutes of fucking and sucking. No jacking off in here guys! Yeah right! A handful of quarters in one hand and your dick in the other! Watch out for those sticky floors! I speak from experience folks!

Shit! I didn't intend to dwell on this segment of dirty movies since these things weren't really shown in movie theaters. Oh well, since this is a blog I guess I can ramble off topic as much as I want, huh? I have rambled way too much for today though! I'll get to the golden age of the adult movies sometime next week. As always, thanks for reading this nonsense and have a great weekend!

Monday, March 26, 2007

Those Good Old Dirty Movies (Part 1)


Over the weekend, with only my right hand and my dick to keep me company, I was thinking about the good old days when I used to frequent the adult movie theaters to get my cheap sexual thrills. Thanks to the wonderful world of video porn (and later internet porn I suppose) those theaters have virtually disappeared from the American scene and frankly I sort of miss them. Between relationships in my ancient past, they always provided a place for me to forget my then current lack of female companionship for a while as I sat in the dark and watched those naked babes up there on the screen and imagined myself slipping the salami to them. I'm old enough to have seen the whole transition from just tits and ass tease (if you were lucky to even see that!) to full hardcore fuck and suck in 35mm wide screen Eastman color! Maybe this personal recollection of mine will bring back a few nostalgic memories for some of you older horndogs and some of you young horndogs may be interested to see what you missed...and I think you really did miss something too! I've talked about the dirty movies before but I think I'll just expand on it a bit since there is not much else going on in my life sexually at the time...well except jacking off of course! That wonderful sport also figures in my story but more about that later on.


Of course I wasn't able to really see any adult movies until I was 18 years of age, except when me and a buddy snuck into a drive in movie to see a double feature of "One Summer of Happiness" and "Garden of Eden" as teenagers. You can read about that little escapade HERE. I was 18 in 1958 and that's when I started hitting the adult theaters regularly. In 1958 little had changed in adult films since the beginning of movies, at least since the beginning of the sound era, and in those puritanical days there was little more to see on the big screen than tits and ass and sometimes you were lucky to even see that. I remember sitting through a boring feature at a drive in in EL Paso called "They Wear No Clothes" that didn't even have any nudity in it...not a bare tit or a bare butt to be seen! It was about models but they were all fully clothed all through the picture. I guess they didn't wear clothes when they took showers...but you didn't get to see that! Damn the bad luck!

There was a self imposed Hollywood censorship board that kept a tight reign on mainstream (major studio) movies by means of a "Motion Picture Code" ever since the early thirties. No nudity or profanity were allowed and there were strict prohibitions on showing or even mentioning any kind of sexuality. Even married couples had to sleep in separate beds! That code didn't apply to the independent adult film producers but the puritanical society we lived in just would not permit anything more than tits and ass to be shown. Shots of pubic hair or genitals and any kind of explicit sexuality were strictly forbidden by law in every community in the country. Fucking and sucking was out of the question except in those illegal 16mm "stag films" which had also been around since the beginning of the movies. The stag films were totally underground though, mainly shown at men's "smoker" parties. No way would you ever see one of those things in a movie theater in those days. Stag films are a separate subject and I'll write about them some too. For now we are just talking about the films shown in adult theaters.



There were several varieties of the adult films that did make it to the adult theaters and I'm going to use a few movie posters to illustrate what some of those varieties were. The theaters themselves were mainly found in the downtown sections of medium to large cities in the country. Few of these films ever made it to the neighborhood theaters or to the small towns. The first category is the burlesque film. That was as it name implies just a filmed burlesque show, sometimes shot in an actual burlesque theater and sometimes in a studio. The girls would do their strutting around and strip down to G strings and pasties. You rarely even got to see their nipples. Sometimes these films even had those awful baggy pants comedians between the strippers. Looking at these flicks today on DVD they look dreadfully dull. Tempest Storm and Lili St Cyr seemed to be the biggest stars of these things as they were the most well known strippers in the country on stage as well as screen.


Then there were the nudist movies. You always hoped that you would see a few "beaver" (genitals) shots and once in a while you would get a glimpse of the pubic area of a babe but those glimpses were few and far between up until the mid 1960's. You did see naked butts and boobs but that was about it. In those days that was better than nothing! Each scene was carefully composed so that no "pickles or beavers" (as dicks and pussies were known in the adult film business) would be visible. Editing in the studio eliminated any pubic shots that made their way into the raw footage. No way any community standards would allow total nudity even in nudist films back then. Isn't that silly?


The "Gone With the Wind" of nudist films was "Garden of Eden" from about 1950, mainly because it was in glorious Eastman color where as the previous nudist films were only in black and white. "Garden of Eden" did have a statuesque female star too who looked mighty fine in the nude. That's the one I saw when we snuck into the drive in movie and it made a BIG impression of me and my young dick. I was disappointed there was no below the waist frontal nudity in that flick though!



There were also many sex dramas and exploitation films dealing with such things as narcotic use and addiction (such as the legendary "Reefer Madness"), adultery, prostitution, unwanted pregnancies (some with graphic scenes of childbirth which shows you how far producers had to go to show some below the waist female skin) and even old hillbilly codgers taking underage brides. These films promised to show you every thing you wanted to see but it was all ballyhoo...you were lucky to see a bare titty or butt or anything remotely sexually arousing in any of them. The city fathers and cops in small and big cities all over the country were just waiting for some local theater to cross the line into full frontal nudity or real sex. Why bother to film it if it was going to get raided and banned in the first city it played in and you could subsequently find yourself in the slammer?

Many a young stud and old fart wandered into one of these flicks hoping that there would be something to turn him on and make him spring a woody but most of the time they left disappointed and with a limp pecker. I was one of those young studs back then and I speak from experience. Not much jacking off in the adult flicks in those days, unlike in the porn days that were to come later. There was just nothing up there on the screen worth jacking off to! That's all the screen erotica there was back then though and the best you could do was settle for those bare tits and butts and hope that you would someday see something more. It beat staying home and watching "I Love Lucy" and "Ozzie and Harriet" I suppose...but not by very much!


This repressive censorship policy continued into the early 1960's and then one by one the barriers began to fall. In the early 1960's, even long before Playboy magazine showed pubic hair, some 16mm color films with full frontal nudity, called "beaver films" for obvious reason, began to slip into the theaters that had previously only played the black and white "tits and ass" variety of pin up film. I still remember slipping into the Colonial Theater in Sacramento back then, expecting to see the usual boring black and white crap and being amazed to see an occasional lovely babe with a hairy pussy pop up on the screen...and in color too! That historic day was the first time I ever jacked off in a movie theater...well at least since I whacked off in the balcony of the Uptown Theater in Napa while watching Marilyn Monroe and Kim Novak as a horny teenager anyway! More accurately it was the first time I ever jacked off in an adult theater.


The blue noses and cops in various communities tried to ban those flicks displaying full frontal nudity and the battle went all the way to the Supreme Court I believe. The courts eventually decreed that total nudity by itself was not obscene! (Duh!) Hallelujah! Soon even the nudist movies were displaying all those previously forbidden "pickles and beavers" in all their naked uncensored glory for the first time. The sex dramas were also free to go full frontal and did so in the mid sixties. By then the "beaver" films had gone one step beyond just showing pubic hair with gynecological spread leg views of the female anatomy, not exactly to my taste but I suppose a few inexperienced young guys got educated as to just what exactly is "down there" by watching those films. Think the movie version of Hustler magazine. Explicit sex was still totally taboo. All we had now was full frontal nudity but at least it beat just tits and ass!

The sex dramas and comedies which had begun to switch to color after the amazing success of Russ Meyer's 1960 "The Immoral Mr. Teas" (which was just like Playboy magazine come to life...tits and ass, no public hair, without a plot but in full color!) were almost all in color by the mid 1960's. Simulated sex was now also allowed along with the full frontal nudity but explicit sex was still banned. No erections and no penetration of any kind which of course meant no cock sucking, no pussy eating and no real fucking! That was the final censorship barrier which would come down at the very end of the sixties. That's when adult films really started to get good and I'll babble on about that next time!


If you want to see some of these old adult flicks, the good news is that many of the types of films mentioned above are available on DVD, mostly from a cool company called Something Weird Video who scrounged archives and dumpsters alike to save this stuff. The bad news is that most of these things are really dated and boring beyond belief! Except for their historic value, they are almost unwatchable today. I thought they would have some nostalgic effect on me but the ones I've watched failed to hold my interest at all, let alone give me a boner which is the main reason for any of us guys to watch erotica. They never were very good to start with...and they look worse now! Rent 'em if you must but save your money as far as buying them!

Thursday, March 22, 2007

Another Dirty Old Man!



I went to see the movie "Venus" last night. It's star Peter O'Toole is now in his mid 70's and in appearance is a long, long way from the young and ultra handsome Peter O'Toole of "Lawrence of Arabia". It sort of a shock to see him looking so old and so haggard but age catches up with all of us, as I am well aware of by now! All I have to do is look in the mirror for proof of that! "Lawrence" after all was made about forty five years ago. Anyway O'Toole, still a great actor, and in a great performance here, plays this old fart in his mid 70's, a semi-retired famous British actor, a role I'm sure he can relate to. He becomes platonically involved with the grand niece of his best friend, another elderly British actor. The woman's age is 19 in the movie although I believe the actress playing her, Jodie Whittaker, is just a bit older. She is also quite a babe!


It is quite obvious from the script that the O'Toole character would like the relationship to progress to be much more than platonic. Even though he takes tons of pills every day and becomes impotent from a prostate operation, Old Peter would like to get his old peter (among other things!) into that tight young pussy. It sort of reminds you of the relationship between me and Marcella's roommate Patty doesn't it! This old dude played by O'Toole is definitely a man after my own heart...although I hope that in just a few years I'm not in the miserable physical shape that he is in! My health remains very good. No pills for me except for an occasional Viagra to make "Junior" stand at attention for long periods of time and lately I haven't even needed that. My doc says my prostate gland is still looking good too when he gives it his annual "finger wave". (Ouch! Watch it doc! I'm not gay!) I truly believe that all of my jacking off helps...there is evidence of that you know! Knock on wood, I can only hope that my health will remain good for many years...but with increased age come increased problems for all of us, no doubt about that!



When the old gent in the movie is asked by the young woman what parts of her body he thinks about he says something like "Your eyes, your hair, your legs, your butt, (pause), your CUNT!". You da' man Peter! He gets her a job as a nude model for a group of artists and tries to spy on her while she is posing nude. He falls down and crashes into the art studio in a hilarious scene. Later the young woman teases him by letting him cop a feel of her tits and then puts her fingers into her pussy and lets him take a sniff! Whoa! Not too often do we get to see depictions of "stinkfinger" in a major movie huh? Unfortunately for both Peter and us movie goers things don't go much beyond that. Nope, Peter doesn't get to do the nasty with his young "Venus", so nicknamed by him because she resembles Venus de Milo. Damn the bad luck! You do get to see a couple of brief nude shots of Ms. Whittaker (nice butt!) and I can only wish that there were more of those nude scenes...and more sex scenes between the two main characters! The relationship remains mainly platonic and the movie comes to a poignant end. I really enjoyed it. It's nice to see an old fart portrayed as someone who still wants to knock off a piece of tail even if in reality he is unable to do so! You may have to search for this movie in art theaters now but it should be available on DVD in a few months. Horny Old Guy gives it a big "thumbs up", if not quite a complete "dicks up"! Check it out people!


Speaking of old farts who want to knock off a piece of tail (and unlike Peter O'Toole in this film I'm definitely able to!), it's time for me to start preparing for another exciting weekend at home in Stockton town without Marcella. The cartoon below gives you a pretty good idea of what that weekend will be like. If you are also alone this weekend, feel free to join in the festivities. Remember the immortal words of Woody Allen, "Don't knock masturbation! It's sex with someone I love!" If you have a partner available, that's even better and I envy you! Have a great weekend!

Monday, March 19, 2007

Back to Weekend Jackin'!



Ah how times have changed my friends! How the mighty have fallen! Two Sunday mornings ago I was enjoying one of Marcella's ritual Sunday morning blow jobs (our last sexual act together in fact) and this past Sunday morning I was jacking off to the Target Stores lingerie ad (above!) in the Sunday paper. Damn the bad luck! Of course Marcy wasn't here every Sunday morning during our relationship. She sometimes spent the weekend in the Bay Area visiting her parents, especially when her dad was in not very good shape. Those weekends I indeed did resort to jacking off to get me through but I always knew that Marcy would be here the next weekend to satisfy my senior citizen lust. In particular I looked forward to those juicy Sunday morning blow jobs...right before she left me to go to Sunday morning mass. I sure hope the Pope never found out about those blow jobs! I've heard that old dude doesn't even approve of jacking off let alone sucking cock!


Those Sunday morning blow jobs are apparently gone for a while, at least from Marcy. This second weekend without her wasn't nearly as bad as the first one though. To tell the truth last weekend I had trouble even springing a boner in order to jack off. The jacking off didn't seem all that satisfying either. You know that this was some serious depression folks! This weekend I was back to my usual horny 24/7 self which is a good sign that I'm pretty much over our breakup. One look at those lingerie ads and "Junior" immediately snapped to attention and requested that I take him out and give him some exercise! Hallelujah! Horny Old Guy is back in action! Checking out some porn on the web last night led to a repeat performance of the morning's activity. Say have I ever told you people that I like to jack off? Well I do!


There's not much else to report here. I've figured out a way to contact Marcy's lovely roommate Patty. Marcy's going to church on Sunday morning is the key. Marcy usually answers the phone at their apartment but since Marcy is at church I should be able to get Patty to answer on Sunday mornings since as far as I know she doesn't go to church. Then again she may be gone somewhere else and I might get their answering machine. It's worth a try, just as suggesting that Patty and I go to lunch sometime is worth a try. I frankly expect that she will say no but there is nothing to lose by asking. I'm going to wait until at least next Sunday to make that phone call though. I don't want Patty to think I'm in too much of a hurry to fuck..I mean date her after her roommate and I broke up. As for Kathy, my redhead neighbor and fellow condo board member, we have a board meeting next week and we'll see what happens there. If she is as friendly as she was at our previous private condo business meeting, I'll be giving her a call too.


For now I'll think I'll take another look at that Target lingerie ad this morning. WOW! What three lovely young women! Which one should I choose as my next fantasy fuck? A difficult choice but the blond on the left is definitely putting the "lead in my pencil" as I gaze at the ad. Even better, how about a foursome? "Junior" just went "BOING!" if you know what I mean and I think you do! With the exception of a sweet blow job or a nice fuck, there is just nothing like a good jack off session to start the morning and the week! Yup I'm back to normal folks! As usual thanks for reading this nonsense and have a great week! Oh by the way did you know that I just love to...oh you know! Bye bye for now!




Thursday, March 15, 2007

Where Do I Go From Here?



Well I'm pretty much over my breakup with Marcella already. It's been a week now and I still think about her quite a bit. I'm sure that come the weekend I'll greatly miss her companionship in general as well as those Saturday night fucking sessions and lovely Sunday morning blow jobs but I'm not one to sit around and mope over relationships gone sour. Life long experience has taught me that when a door closes behind you, in a matter of time a few more usually open up for you. I'm truly an optimist at heart! It really feels sort of good to be independent and open to new relationships again! As always my other interests and my frequent masturbation will get me through those lonely nights in the immediate future. One more thing...I felt more than a bit guilty about blogging about Marcy while we were together, also worried that she might stumble onto this thing. There were a few close calls when I was careless about clearing my history on my computer. No more worries about that now and that is a relief.


The nine month relationship with Marcella really was good for me and I'm talking about more than just the fucking and sucking. Her companionship was just what I needed after a long stretch of being alone and with only jacking off and an occasional one night stand for sexual relief. I mean before Marcella my last real relationship ended in my late fifties and I was almost 66 when I met Marcy. You can do the math and see that it had definitely been a while! My blood pressure is now down, I've lost some weight (fucking burns more calories than jacking off I guess!) and I feel much better than I have in years. The relationship with Marcy prompted me to get a long overdue vasectomy so there is no need for condoms now as long as I continue to be careful in otherwise practicing safe sex. No more one night stands or whores for the Horny Old Guy although I actually started that policy long before I met Marcella. I'm clean and I'm gonna stay clean! I'm also waking up more and more with morning wood, something that had become fairly rare before getting involved with Marcy. At my age that's a good thing! With Marcella I don't even need Viagra that much anymore! Yeah relationships are definitely good for you and I don't want to go through the long dry spell I suffered between the last two relationships. It's time to move on and look for another one of those lovely things! Long term would be preferred but short term will do!


The big question is where do I start? Of course Marcy's lovely 30 year old Filipino roommate Patty comes immediately to mind. I've been horny for her ever since Marcy introduced her to me at the beginning of our relationship. I've lost count of the number of times that I've jacked off to her and even fantasized fucking her while I was fucking Marcella (Yeah I know...I'm a BAD boy!) Would I like the chance to really play "Hide the Salami" with Patty? Would I like to find out if she really is a virgin (as Marcy suspects but I doubt)? Would I give about a month's pay just to kiss that soft little butt? Well Hell yeah! However since I'm a realist I really don't think that I have the slightest chance of doing any of that though. Let's face it! I'm 66 years old and Patty is 30. I was amazed when 38 year old Marcella became interested in me. Patty has also shown absolutely no indication that she is romantically attracted to me at all and I don't blame her. At first she seemed to think it was ridiculous that Marcy was even dating an old fart like me. She has warmed to me to some degree and accepts me as a friend I think but I still can't believe she would even entertain the idea of dating or doing the nasty with the Horny Old Guy.


Patty's status of being Marcy's roommate further complicates even considering a relationship with her. I seriously doubt that Patty would want to date (or fuck!) ANY ex boyfriend of her roommate. The two women only have one home phone line too so how do I handle approaching Patty by phone? Marcy seemed to answer that phone almost every time I called. Patty mostly uses her cell phone but I had no need to ever know that number...up until now anyway. If I ever run into Patty by herself at Target or McDonald's or anywhere else in public I might suggest that we go to lunch or dinner. I have nothing to lose by asking but I truly expect that she will turn me down. Patty may just have to remain in my jack off fantasies (sigh)...and believe me I'm going to have some need for some of those things starting about this Saturday night...if not before! Like I said I am a realist and sometimes you have to accept that there are things in life that you just can't have, no matter how much you want them. The more you can accept that, the easier life becomes! And yet...and yet...if that chance at Patty ever comes...I would jump her bones in a split second!


It would probably be more realistic and more worthwhile to pursue Kathy, my lovely redheaded neighbor who got elected along with myself to our condo Board of Directors in January. I would guess that she is in her early to mid 40's, very attractive and very nice. The only thing there is that we've only been together alone just once since we got elected, at my place to update our fellow condo owners' records. We got along very well that night and had some wine and a chat after our official business. By the end of the evening she had given me a throbbing boner which I relieved after she left by jacking off (I know...you're shocked!) The February board meeting was cancelled because there just wasn't anything worth discussing but we have another one scheduled for next week. It will be all five us this time (the whole board) so I probably won't get a chance to cozy up to Kathy. I'm also not even sure that she hasn't got someone else in her life. I rarely see her in the complex since she lives way over on the other side but when I do see her she is always driving alone in her car which admittedly is encouraging. Then again Kathy may be married (although she doesn't wear a ring), she may have a boyfriend, she may be a lesbian, or she may just hate horny old guys who want to get in her panties. Lots of unknown elements there! We'll just have to see what happens (if anything!) with Kathy darlin'! I do love redheads though and it would be a treat to bury my face (among other things!) in that delicious red haired muff! Stay tuned for further details. I have a feeling something good could come out of this...but I've been wrong many times before in looking in my crystal ball! Only time will tell this time!


I've got a couple other ideas too, including meeting someone through a computer dating site or on something called Craig's List which a buddy of mine swears by. For now I'll just see what happens with Kathy and meanwhile my right hand still works as good as it did when I was a teenager....or at least almost as good! Who knows what will happen in the future? Maybe Marcy will call and say she's changed her mind and wants to come back over this weekend and jump my bones again. Maybe Patty will come over, tell me she really is a virgin and request that I put an end that state. Maybe one of my Celebrity Jack Off Fantasies of the Month from Hollywood (Are you there Scarlett, Nicole or Drew?) will drop in on me and give me a mercy fuck. Then again maybe pigs will fly! In reality I'll most likely stay home and jack off for a good while! Hopefully a new love and sex partner will surface...but at my age you never know!

As always thanks for reading this nonsense folks. I should be completely back to normal (or as normal as I ever get) on Monday. Meanwhile, have a great weekend!

Monday, March 12, 2007

Marcella Says It's Over!



Well I missed my usual Thursday morning post last week for good reason. No I didn't get caught jacking off in public you silly! The sad truth is that Marcella, the younger Filipino gal that I have been having a relationship with since last June has decided that it's time for her to leave yours truly the Horny Old Guy behind and move on. I was totally bummed out Thursday morning and really didn't feel like blogging about that or anything else for a few days but now it's about time for me to move on too. Writing about our little breakup will actually be therapeutic...I think!


Being a realist I was reasonably sure that our rather casual older guy-younger woman different races relationship was not going to last forever but I have to say the timing here caught me totally by surprise. I thought things were going extremely well between us and I had no clue that the shit was about to hit the fan. I've seen more than a few of my relationships dissolve (including my two marriages) and I almost always had some clues in advance that something disastrous was about to happen. Not this time! Marcy and I went on our ritual mid week dinner date last Wednesday night. She seemed her usual happy and friendly self at dinner and then still in my car in the parking lot of her apartment complex she gave me the bad news. "We need to talk Mike!" says she, "Oh oh!" says me! The funny thing was that the first thing that came to mind was that she found this fucking blog! That was not the case although the end result of our little talk was probably the same as if she had...no more Marcy and no more nookie for Mikey! Bummer! Shit! Damn the bad luck!


At first Marcy told me that it was because her parents didn't approve of her dating an older Caucasian guy. I already knew that since I met them at Christmas time and it was very apparent that they were not thrilled. Marcy confirmed that to me afterwards but didn't seem too concerned about it at the time. It sort of pissed me off when she told me that was her reason for breaking up at this stage of the game. I said something like "Jesus Christ Marcy! You're almost 39 years old! Isn't it about time you started living your own life! Who cares what your parents think?" She was not thrilled with that response. Then she confessed that there was a second reason. She has met some dude at Church.

Marcella's new admirer's name is Phillip and he apparently has three things going for him that I don't. He's younger than me (her age), he's Filipino, and he's Catholic! (Hey I bet I can eat pussy better than him!). She likes him a lot. He's also asked her to lunch. I suggested that we stay together until we see how things work out between her and Filipino Phil but she said she didn't want to date anyone else while she was with me and anyway it's just time for us to part. She was obviously sad about it, actually crying for a bit. It was not an enjoyable experience for either of us...but breakups are almost always like that. I told her to think about it for a while and I'd still be here if she changed her mind. We hugged and kissed and said goodnight and I drove home in a funk which I've been in ever since...at least up until now.


Marcy came by my place Sunday afternoon and picked up a few things she left here, a makeup kit, her toothbrush, a nightie she never wore and the iPod I gave her for Christmas. She said she hasn't changed her mind and I have the feeling that it is indeed over between us. Maybe it's just as well. I think I can speak for both of us when I say that it really wasn't love. We liked each other's company in and out of bed...a lot! We had fun together. Nothing at all wrong with that but you need more than that to live happily ever after. I really didn't have the same feeling for Marcy that I had for my first girlfriend Vicki in high school, my two wives (at least initially), or any of my other long term companions. No way that I could have asked Marcy to marry me and I'm reasonably sure that she would have turned me down if I did. I always knew there would be a day when I would reluctantly say "Well it was good while it lasted!" I didn't think that day would come so soon but I am pretty sure it is here! It's always sad when a lover walks out your door for the last time though...


It did indeed hit me a little harder than I expected it would, probably just because of the surprise factor. I didn't get much sleep the first couple of nights and the weekend was sort of a bummer knowing that Marcy wouldn't be here on any more weekends. Even jacking off a couple of times didn't help that much so you know that I was REALLY bummed out! However experience has taught me that time heals all wounds ...and this was a minor wound for sure. I feel much better this morning, even more so after putting my thoughts in writing. I may do one more post on Marcy but I'm not going to dwell on the breakup for long, in this blog or in my life. It's time to move on for both of us! I'll be back later in the week with more incoherent and hopefully more upbeat babbling. Have a good week y'all!

Monday, March 05, 2007

Ever Been Caught Jacking Off?


Marcella and I watched the movie "Fast Times at Ridgemont High" on DVD Saturday night. I've always liked that 1982 flick, hard to believe it's 25 years old already. Of course one of the funniest scenes (and one that I can definitely relate to!) is when the character played by Judge Reinhold gets caught jacking off in the bathroom by the babe he is jacking off to. Phoebe Cates (right) is enough to inspire anybody to jack off! I remember one of those "Blue Lagoon" type flicks with a lot of her lovely naked young body in it that had me jacking off for a week after I caught it on late night cable TV several years ago. If Marcy wasn't at my side Saturday night, I would most likely have been doing just that even as I watched the DVD! A topless Phoebe (what Judge was fantasizing about!) is definitely jack off material for any red blood male, young or old. What a babe! "Doesn't anybody fucking knock anymore?", the young dude in the movie asks after a shocked Phoebe beats a hasty retreat after seeing what was going on. From the expression on her face she has just witnessed a penis eruption...SPLURT! "Ewwwww!" said her facial expression!



That movie got me thinking about the times that I've been caught engaged in my favorite solitary pastime over the years. I actually had an incident similar to the one in the movie when I was about 14 only it was even more embarrassing because it was my younger sister Karen who caught me sitting naked on the toilet enjoying my ritual evening pre-shower jack off session. I forgot to lock the fucking bathroom door and Karen who was about 12 barged right in on me. Quite a shock for her as well as me I suspect as this was back in the innocent 1950's. No internet, no video, no porn to give us the crude visual sex education that today's youngsters are bombarded with. Most girls got their first view of a mature erect penis when their boyfriends pulled it out of their pants and most likely asked them to perform some sort of service on it. Getting that graphic male anatomy introduction from older brothers certainly wasn't the norm back then (nor is it now!) but I'm sure I'm not the only brother who accidentally provided it for little sis, maybe even big sis!

Karen hadn't seen my penis since it was just a little weenie and the look on her face told me that my newly developed big, hard, hairy man sized cock was quite a surprise and shock to her. The strange thing I was doing to it (rubbing it up and down) probably added to the shock. I can still see that look of shock on Karen's face. It's a wonder she didn't faint! Needless to say I jumped up and closed the door on her but she got a pretty good look at "Junior". It's pretty hard to hide a throbbing hard on when you are naked! I was worried Karen would tell our mom or make rude remarks in front of the family but she never did. I suppose she told all of her girl friends and they giggled about it though. It seems sort of funny even erotic now but definitely not so back then! It was absolutely the most embarrassing incident of my teenage years!


Getting caught jacking off by your mother as a teenager would be almost as embarrassing as by your sister! Here below is a clip from a 1970's sex education film meant to be shown in high schools. I put in a few subtitles and sound effects to show in my dirty mind what I suspect young Ricky is really thinking when mom interrupts his morning whack off session. The lesson to be learned here I suppose is to remember to lock the freaking door anytime you want to whip your weenie out for a little fun. On the other hand there is a time to say "Get the fuck out of here Mom!" There are some things you just need your privacy for but in my edited clip Ricky's mom stays to see the whole show including the "climax" here!

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What do you think would have happened if Ricky kept living at home and as an adult kept getting caught by his mom while engaged in his favorite sport? It might look something like this in an X rated version I also re-edited for my own amusement. I hope you get a chuckle or two out of it too!

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That's actually yours truly playing the part of Ricky in the above clip. I combined the original Ricky segment with an old 8mm film clip of me jerking off. It was actually the first time I'd ever photographed myself jacking off, in 1970 at age 30. I had a few feet of film left in my 8mm movie camera and decided to use it up documenting my favorite solitary activity. Amazing how that self made clip would come in handy over 30 years later!
It's a wonder that like young Ricky I didn't get caught jerking off many more times in those horny teenage years. I was jacking off night and day, usually in my bedroom, and I didn't even have a lock on my bedroom door. The first thing I did when I got home from school was to go in my room, lay on the bed, unzip my fly, whip out my dick and jack it off, usually fantasizing about some girl at school that I would just love to fuck. Any other time I felt the need to "rub one out" my bedroom was my place of choice, even without the lock! It's truly amazing that my mom or Karen never barged in on me during those hundreds (thousands?) of daily jack off sessions. I had several close calls, barely got my dong stuffed back in my pants a few times but Mom or Karen never saw the "full monty" in "full throttle" when I was wanking in my bedroom.


Worst case scenario of being caught jacking off by mom or sis would of course have been if I was in the process of "blasting off" (cumming) or too close to stop wanking. I'm not sure what their reaction to that eruption would have been but I'm glad I never had the chance to find out!

My mom did catch me stark naked in the hallway early one morning, heading for the bathroom with some stiff morning wood. I didn't think anybody else in the house was up. Mom thought my stiff weenie was a pretty amusing that time. She was of course not so amused (furious in fact!) when she had seen me naked with a boner in that above mentioned motel room incident with Karen. Apparently me by myself with a boner was amusing, but with my sister...not so much! I don't remember mom ever catching me actually jacking off though. I suspect moms would actually understand boys jacking off more than little sisters would. I guess I just lucked out in not being caught more often because I was one jacking off fool back then! Some say I am still one jacking off fool and I wouldn't argue that point very much!


Since those teenage years there have been several other times that I got caught with my pants down, jerking off and not jerking off . Several maids in hotels and motels have entered without knocking while I was either nude or whacking off. I actually found that sort of thing a rush after the first time. Maybe because these are women I don't know there is not the embarrassment factor I felt when my sister or mother caught me in the nude or in the act. A couple of other times me and my ex girlfriends have been caught fucking in motels and hotels which was even more of a rush for me. It's certainly not something that happens often.


Most of the time maids don't even bother you when you are in the room or knock before entering. When they do knock I always answer them. In the few times that the maids have walked right in without knocking I've frankly gotten a rush out of being caught with my dong hanging out or engaged in doing something nasty, more likely just jacking but even better getting my weenie sucked or slipping the salami to my sweetie. Maybe I'm just an exhibitionist at heart...but don't confuse me with one of those wackos who waves his weenie to women and children on the street. There is a difference...I think!




I've also been caught a couple of times jacking off in the great outdoors, mainly on the nude beaches I used to frequent in my younger days. That's not because I really wanted to get caught you understand. Not wanting to offend anyone (or get arrested!) I always chose a secluded part of the beach as do most people who choose to engage in sex on such public beaches. There is always the danger of being caught whenever and wherever you jack off outdoors though. I suppose that adds to the excitement and thrill just as it does with any kind of outdoor sex. You don't what to get caught but if you do it's sort of a rush! In those times you do indeed get caught you can only hope that it will be by someone who is open minded and amused, maybe even turned on rather than outraged by your outdoor sexual activities. You definitely don't want to be turned in to or be caught by a cop! Today with everyone having cell phones and just aching to use them public sex is a risky proposition. You'd best make damn sure your place of choice is as secluded as possible!


My most embarrassing time getting caught jacking off as an adult was one early morning in a laundromat (yes a laundromat!) I'd been turned on by a sexy young babe in shorts who was also washing clothes. When she left I discovered a pair of her panties in the dryer she'd just used and I was now about to use. BOING! Babe panties! Yummy! Instant boner dude! Nobody else was in the place now and it seemed like a good time to have a quickie jack off. I went over behind the last row of washers in the rear of the store and whipped my throbbing dick out, wrapped the panties around it and went to work jacking it off. Bad idea! Suddenly a door opens from the rear of the store and a middle aged Chinese woman (the owner I think) comes out of the storeroom. She sees what I am doing and the shit hits the fan! Screaming, yelling, threats to call the police! Scared the living shit out of me!

An older Chinese woman, probably the younger woman's mother, comes out of the storeroom, sees my still exposed pecker and joins in the shouting spectacle. "You are idiot!" she shouts out at me repeatedly. Have you ever tried to stuff a stiff cock into tight jeans? I finally succeeded and grabbed my still wet clothes out of the dryer and got the hell out of that place and never went back. All I can tell you is that it (jacking off) seemed like a good idea at the time! You can read all the nasty details of that little fiasco right HERE.

You can in fact read more about almost all of these embarrassing incidents if you check out my index/labels column at right under "caught jacking". I guess the bottom line is that if you jack off as much as I do, you are bound to get caught once in a while.




Do any of you other horndogs have any good "caught jackin'" stories to relate. Anybody ever like me caught by your sister while you were sitting on the toilet (or anywhere else) beating your meat? Ever get caught stroking it by your mother or another family member? Tell us all about it! Any fathers ever caught by your teenage daughters when you thought you were alone in the house and decided to "rub one out" in the recliner! Now that would be really embarrassing! I have no doubt some dads have been caught in that predicament though. Hopefully the girls weren't scarred for life!


How about you women? Have you ever been "caught jillin'", with or without your vibe, by your parents, siblings or sons or daughters? If so who caught you and what were the circumstances? What was the reaction?  Did you ever catch your brother or your dad or uncle whacking off? Again tell us all about it!


Have any of you mothers ever caught your son "jerkin his gerkin"? If so what what were the circumstances and what was the reaction on your part and your son's part? How to do you feel about it now? Are you still grossed out or does now it just seem funny...or even erotic as my own experience of being caught wanking on the toilet by my sister Karen incident now seems to me? It was an absolute and total embarrassment at the time but now I either chuckle or get a boner thinking about it! I wonder if Karen ever thinks about that incident or the subsequent mutual masturbation we did in that Santa Cruz motel room. Needless to say it's not something we've ever talked about and most likely never will. Some things are just best left unsaid!


Okay now fess up people! Please tell me that the horny young dude from "Fast Times" and yours truly the horny OLD dude aren't the only ones who ever got caught while we were jackin' or jillin'! The honest truth is if you haven't got caught masturbating at least once in your life you probably haven't been doing it enough!

Have a great week y'all! Try not to get caught jackin' or jillin' but remember that if you do get caught it's not the end of the world, just part of life and something that you'll laugh about, maybe even get turned on about or write about in your blog sometime in the near or distant future ! Bye now!