Saturday, May 01, 2010

Believe It Or Not I'm Getting Hitched!!!


Is anybody still out there? I truly doubt it since this lame ass blog has been virtually dead for the last three years! For those former regulars who wondered what ever happened to that masturbating old fool Mike Stewart (also known as the Horny Old Guy) and for anyone else who stumbles in here in the future I wanted to update the status of my social life with some major news. Yes it's true! The infamous sex maniac and masturbation fiend Horny Old Guy is getting married! On Easter Weekend, a year after Diane and I first fucked I asked her to marry me and she accepted. I'm now a in a state of being both thrilled and scared shitless! Diane is of course the lovely school teacher I've written about in the last couple of posts. I'll also be moving to Colorado, Diane's home state, with her! All of this good stuff will be happening in the next two months. By July 1 I will be living in Colorado with a new wife! As a native Californian and a long time horny old single guy I can only say...."HELP!". Oh I'm just kidding! Diane is a great gal, I truly do love her and at my age (70 in a few months..."HELP!" again!) I ain't gonna' get many more if any chances like this! I'm a happy and excited fucker (in every sense of that last word!) right now!


I'll be writing one more post before I move to Colorado with Diane. That will absolutely be my final post in this blog since I definitely do feel guilty about blogging about my sweetie as well as my lustful masturbatory fantasies about every other babe I see on the street or TV or movie screen or anywhere else! It's time for Horny Old Guy to zip it up and disappear into cyberspace for good! Watch for that final post after our marriage, probably sometime in early June.

Since it's May which is National Masturbation Month and obviously my favorite celebratory month of the year I'm slightly revising an older post on that subject and reprinting it below. I haven't got the time or inclination to come up with anything new right now. By the way just because I'm getting married it doesn't mean that I'm losing my passion for masturbation! There will be less jacking off in my future but there is no way that I can EVER stop practicing my favorite solitary activity in this month or any other month! Diane is by now well aware of that passion (actually shares it herself in fact!) and I don't expect her to be criticizing my "hobby" as long as it doesn't interfere with any of our "interactive" activities if you know what I mean and I think you do!
On May 1 of every year in my long ago horny youth us boys in the school yard just loved to shout out to our guy friends (sometimes within earshot of the girls):
"Hooray! Hooray! It's the first of May,
Outdoor fucking starts today!"
The only sad part about that crude but jubilant proclamation was that most of us had no chance in Hell of getting laid, indoors or outdoors, in the month of May or in any other fucking month of the year! This was back in the puritanical 1950's you understand! The only sex must of us lads got was from our right hand! Now the month of May takes on even more significance for us amateur and professional masturbators and masturbation advocates of all ages and both sexes because May is of course National Masturbation Month! Let the celebration begin!

The high point of my entire youth was absolutely THAT NIGHT when I discovered the wonderful sport of jacking off. An older classmate had given me an outdoor demonstration earlier in the day. I was too nervous to even get my little weenie stiff in order to do it with him as he had wanted me to but I had no such problems springing a boner and doing what he did in the privacy of my own bedroom. I was about 12, still pre-puberty so there was no ejaculation but that dry climax sure did feel good! The whole experience was a revelation! I had heard the term "jack off" for several years, knew it was something nasty but until that day and that night had no idea what exactly it meant or how to do it. Everything sort of came together that night. Now I knew why everybody wanted to do that even nastier "fucking" thing and of course I couldn't wait to try that too!


After that wonderful night jacking off became a daily ritual for me. Sometimes I did it several times a day. Talk about a kid with a new toy! I couldn't keep my hands off my pecker! (Some say I STILL can't! LOL) An older woman, a customer on my paper route, introduced me to the wonderful world of fucking shortly after I went through puberty but then there was a long "dry spell" before I got lucky with my first girlfriend Vicki as a junior in high school. All that jacking off really got me through those difficult, horny teen and high school years! I didn't need no booze and no dope as long as I had my dick and my right hand. Masturbation is a great stress reliever at any age! Hey it still works for me at almost 70 years of age

Although it sometimes seems like only yesterday, that night of sexual discovery was fifty seven years ago and I've been jacking off ever since. Even when I was married or in other serious long term relationships I never completely stopped masturbating. Why should I? It's truly one of the joys in life and I feel sorry for people who do not comprehend that. Even if they choose not to do it for religious or other reasons I would hope everyone would at least accept the fact that masturbation is a completely normal and healthy activity for males and females of all ages. There are absolutely no side effects. To the contrary there are substantial short and long term mental and physical benefits. You can do it almost anytime and anywhere! You don't need a partner! There is no danger of pregnancy or catching STD's!! And it's FREE! Hey what's not to like? As the great Woody Allen said to Diane Keaton in "Annie Hall", "Don't knock masturbation! It's sex with someone I love!" Truer words were never spoken! Yeah I still jack off regularly and I ain't ashamed to admit it! Just don't tell any of my close friends, my family or anybody I've ever met in my offline world okay?



So I woke up this morning, looked at the calendar beside my bed and said "Hallelujah! Thank you Jesus! National Masturbation Month is here again!" I already had some "morning wood" (at my age always a GOOD thing!) and with nasty fantasies about my hot new realtor Tracy (who has replaced Sarah Palin as my current #1 jackoff fantasy!) in my ancient mind I started the month and the day by "rubbing one out"..."spanking the monkey"..."wanking"..."jerking off"..."JACKING OFF!" (still my favorite slang term for the male version of this activity!) You know something? Jacking myself off felt just as good as it did that first night I tried it more than a half century ago...well almost as good anyway!


All of you nice guys and gals are welcome to join Horny Old Guy in the festivities during National Masturbation Month! Oh Hell...why limit it to just one month? May it always be May in your pants! More I cannot wish you my friends!



P.S. Feel free to click on and print any of my home made posters above. Post them in your place of work. They will last at least until the boss or some blue nose censor spots them. They may give your co-workers a few chuckles, maybe even a little inspiration to start their day in a pleasant way! You can also save the images as .jpg files and e mail them as attachments to your family and friends. (I can hear you saying "Yeah right!" right now!) Hey us dedicated masturbators of both sexes need to get the word out about this month long celebration of our favorite solo activity! Y'all join in the festivities, ya' hear? Bye now!

Oh yeah here's a little video I made for YouTube about the wonderful month of May:



6 comments:

Anonymous said...

Holy shit! He's Back! And fuck me your enjoyable!
See, i only got onto this blog Once you'd officially killed it three or so years ago. That said, who gives a fuck? Its still great, and has given me many life lessons. (Seriously, My dad separated from my mum before i remember, so this life up here quite literally educates me in what i've missed)
Anyway, almost 14 months with one gal and no nookie for me! What the fuck am i doing wrong dude?

Got my head down there and the placement of her partially removed jeans stopped me getting any more than a couple of licks! how embarrassing... anyway, congratulations on this wedding! goodluck!
I geuse there wont be many parents in the audience... but who cares? Its fuckin' love dude!
Anyway, im off,
Lewis.

Mike Stewart said...

Well thanks Lewis! Frankly I'm amazed ANYBODY is left out there! I don't blame anybody for abandoning this lame ass and for all practical purposes dead blog! Sometimes I wish I'd continuing ranting and raving but the miserable state of my sex life at the time just made it a futile endeavor. I mean how many times can you say "I jacked off again last night!"?

14 months with one gal and no nookie? God that sounds like being a teenager back in the 1950's (and I was there for that!). It may be time to search for a new gal dude! Good luck in eventually getting your dong in that place where we all want to go!

CHUCK said...

Congrats Mike but Stockton or the world of dirty old men will not be the same without you. Haha good luck in Colorado from another DOM.

Chuck in Galt

Mike Stewart said...

Thanks a lot Chuck! Hey Galt is a great little community! One of my best buddies lives there! It sure beats Stockton doesn't it? Cheers from one DOM to another!

Anonymous said...

I love your blog! I was wondering if you have any more pictures or videos of the young lady in the cartoonized picture on your first blog page with the balloon "You want me to put THAT into my mouth?!" I am asking because the guy is someone I know and I am the young lady! My hard drive crashed several years ago and I have been trying to retrieve old content off of the web and found this one using google reverse image search. Let me know if you can take a break from masturbating. Thanks, Lisahh.. Lisahh4@hotmail.com

Mike Stewart said...

Thanks for the comment Anonymous (Lisaahh4)! Sorry I don't have any more pics featuring that hot babe (you???) and the dick and the cartoon caption. I get most of my images (except those featuring me doing what I do best!) from Google or Yahoo or Bing image search engines. Sorry I couldn't be of more help but I'm always willing to take a break from masturbating (LOL) to talk to a babe like you! Cheers!