Saturday, May 01, 2010
Believe It Or Not I'm Getting Hitched!!!
Is anybody still out there? I truly doubt it since this lame ass blog has been virtually dead for the last three years! For those former regulars who wondered what ever happened to that masturbating old fool Mike Stewart (also known as the Horny Old Guy) and for anyone else who stumbles in here in the future I wanted to update the status of my social life with some major news. Yes it's true! The infamous sex maniac and masturbation fiend Horny Old Guy is getting married! On Easter Weekend, a year after Diane and I first fucked I asked her to marry me and she accepted. I'm now a in a state of being both thrilled and scared shitless! Diane is of course the lovely school teacher I've written about in the last couple of posts. I'll also be moving to Colorado, Diane's home state, with her! All of this good stuff will be happening in the next two months. By July 1 I will be living in Colorado with a new wife! As a native Californian and a long time horny old single guy I can only say...."HELP!". Oh I'm just kidding! Diane is a great gal, I truly do love her and at my age (70 in a few months..."HELP!" again!) I ain't gonna' get many more if any chances like this! I'm a happy and excited fucker (in every sense of that last word!) right now!
I'll be writing one more post before I move to Colorado with Diane. That will absolutely be my final post in this blog since I definitely do feel guilty about blogging about my sweetie as well as my lustful masturbatory fantasies about every other babe I see on the street or TV or movie screen or anywhere else! It's time for Horny Old Guy to zip it up and disappear into cyberspace for good! Watch for that final post after our marriage, probably sometime in early June.
"Hooray! Hooray! It's the first of May,
Outdoor fucking starts today!"
The only sad part about that crude but jubilant proclamation was that most of us had no chance in Hell of getting laid, indoors or outdoors, in the month of May or in any other fucking month of the year! This was back in the puritanical 1950's you understand! The only sex must of us lads got was from our right hand! Now the month of May takes on even more significance for us amateur and professional masturbators and masturbation advocates of all ages and both sexes because May is of course National Masturbation Month! Let the celebration begin!
The high point of my entire youth was absolutely THAT NIGHT when I discovered the wonderful sport of jacking off. An older classmate had given me an outdoor demonstration earlier in the day. I was too nervous to even get my little weenie stiff in order to do it with him as he had wanted me to but I had no such problems springing a boner and doing what he did in the privacy of my own bedroom. I was about 12, still pre-puberty so there was no ejaculation but that dry climax sure did feel good! The whole experience was a revelation! I had heard the term "jack off" for several years, knew it was something nasty but until that day and that night had no idea what exactly it meant or how to do it. Everything sort of came together that night. Now I knew why everybody wanted to do that even nastier "fucking" thing and of course I couldn't wait to try that too!
After that wonderful night jacking off became a daily ritual for me. Sometimes I did it several times a day. Talk about a kid with a new toy! I couldn't keep my hands off my pecker! (Some say I STILL can't! LOL) An older woman, a customer on my paper route, introduced me to the wonderful world of fucking shortly after I went through puberty but then there was a long "dry spell" before I got lucky with my first girlfriend Vicki as a junior in high school. All that jacking off really got me through those difficult, horny teen and high school years! I didn't need no booze and no dope as long as I had my dick and my right hand. Masturbation is a great stress reliever at any age! Hey it still works for me at almost 70 years of age
Although it sometimes seems like only yesterday, that night of sexual discovery was fifty seven years ago and I've been jacking off ever since. Even when I was married or in other serious long term relationships I never completely stopped masturbating. Why should I? It's truly one of the joys in life and I feel sorry for people who do not comprehend that. Even if they choose not to do it for religious or other reasons I would hope everyone would at least accept the fact that masturbation is a completely normal and healthy activity for males and females of all ages. There are absolutely no side effects. To the contrary there are substantial short and long term mental and physical benefits. You can do it almost anytime and anywhere! You don't need a partner! There is no danger of pregnancy or catching STD's!! And it's FREE! Hey what's not to like? As the great Woody Allen said to Diane Keaton in "Annie Hall", "Don't knock masturbation! It's sex with someone I love!" Truer words were never spoken! Yeah I still jack off regularly and I ain't ashamed to admit it! Just don't tell any of my close friends, my family or anybody I've ever met in my offline world okay?
So I woke up this morning, looked at the calendar beside my bed and said "Hallelujah! Thank you Jesus! National Masturbation Month is here again!" I already had some "morning wood" (at my age always a GOOD thing!) and with nasty fantasies about my hot new realtor Tracy (who has replaced Sarah Palin as my current #1 jackoff fantasy!) in my ancient mind I started the month and the day by "rubbing one out"..."spanking the monkey"..."wanking"..."jerking off"..."JACKING OFF!" (still my favorite slang term for the male version of this activity!) You know something? Jacking myself off felt just as good as it did that first night I tried it more than a half century ago...well almost as good anyway!
All of you nice guys and gals are welcome to join Horny Old Guy in the festivities during National Masturbation Month! Oh Hell...why limit it to just one month? May it always be May in your pants! More I cannot wish you my friends!
P.S. Feel free to click on and print any of my home made posters above. Post them in your place of work. They will last at least until the boss or some blue nose censor spots them. They may give your co-workers a few chuckles, maybe even a little inspiration to start their day in a pleasant way! You can also save the images as .jpg files and e mail them as attachments to your family and friends. (I can hear you saying "Yeah right!" right now!) Hey us dedicated masturbators of both sexes need to get the word out about this month long celebration of our favorite solo activity! Y'all join in the festivities, ya' hear? Bye now!
Oh yeah here's a little video I made for YouTube about the wonderful month of May: