Saturday, October 11, 2008

Jacking Off to Sarah Palin!

As John McCain might say "My friends I just can't help myself!" I just have to come out of blogging semi-retirement to name Ms. Sarah Palin, Governor of the great state of Alaska, Republican Vice Presidential candidate and darling of the right wing Rush Limbaugh worshipping crowd as my Celebrity Jack Off Fantasy of the make it my Celebrity Jack Off Fantasy of the YEAR! Yeah I'll admit it my friends...I've been springing boners and whacking off to fantasies about Sweet Sarah ever since John McCain announced her as his running mate...and most likely eliminated any chance of becoming the next President! Just what was that McCain dude thinking? In my most humble and ancient opinion Sarah is about as qualified to be Vice President or President (HELP!) as I am. However she is indeed a good looking babe and at my age I have to take my cheap thrills where I can find them! Yup folks as much as I hate to admit it darn it I've been jacking off regularly to Sarah Palin! You betcha' I have!

I'm not alone in my lust for Sarah. From what I've heard every dude in the country from teenage boys who consider Sarah "one hecka kewl MILF (Mother I'd Like to Fuck)" to old farts like me (more than old enough to be Sarah's daddy!) are whipping out our dongs and beating our meat while fantasizing what it would be like to see Sarah in her birthday suit or better yet get some head from her or play "Hide the Salami" with her. Sarah may be crazy as a loon but there is just something about that four eyed librarian look and that goofy voice that makes you want to slip the salami to her! And you thought I had reached bottom when I gave Katie Couric the great honor of being one of my celebrity jack off fantasies eh?

For further proof of the male sexual obsession with Ms. Palin note that Larry Flynt and Hustler magazine are about to release a porno DVD featuring a Sarah lookalike entitled "Nailin' Pailin" (LOL) (above). Then there is the brand new "This is NOT (Sarah Palin" inflatable love doll shown at left which comes complete with three love holes for your bi-partisan sexual pleasure, $59.95 plus shipping and handling, batteries not included. Hillary Clinton is reported to be envious and angry that a Hillary love doll is not in the works. Bubba Clinton agrees and says it's all the media's fault. He says he might even be interested in buying one of those Hillary dolls because he would probably get more sexual satisfaction from it than he does from the real Hillary who of course has never forgiven him for all those juicy blow jobs he got from Monica Lewinsky.

Before I get branded a sexist pig (Really I'm not!) let me add that I voted for Hillary Clinton in the primary and would love to see Senator Clinton or any other intelligent and QUALIFIED woman of either party as President or Vice President. God knows they couldn't screw things up any worse than some of the recent occupants of the White House and yes I'm thinking of one cowboy from Texas in particular! Sarah Palin is just not the answer though, again in my most humble and ancient opinion! I mean one heartbeat away from the presidency and when that potential President is 72 years old? Give me a break! Disagree? That is your absolute right and I respect your difference of opinion...even if you're wrong! If you fine people up there in the great frozen state of Alaska (a state I have visited several times and love by the way!) think she is the greatest thing since mooseburgers well that's just fine with me...just keep her up there...please! Sarah will of course remain a fixture in my masturbatory fantasies for some time to come. In fact I'm getting a hard on thinking of her right now!

Unfortunately there is nothing to report regarding my social and sex life since my last posting in May of this year. The summer was a good one for me despite the lack of sexual activity and it went flying by just as it always does. I didn't get laid one time, damn the bad luck! That makes it over a year and a half since I've been able to enjoy the wonderful sports of eating pussy, having my weenie sucked and fucking. Do I miss those things as well as the other aspects of steady female companionship? Well Hell yeah! Even though I'm an optimist at heart and still expect to meet the love of my life, at my age (68! Wow!) I do have to face the fact that my pussy eating and fucking days may be over for good now...and yet...and yet I have no complaints. As I've said before I'm pretty much a happy camper...or happy jerker and my right hand together with fantasies about Sarah Palin as well as that young babe down at the donut shop (among many, many others!) will get me through the lonely nights.

If and when my social life picks up and I have something to say besides "Well I jacked off again last night!" you nice folks will be the first to know. Until then enjoy the fall season and the upcoming holidays! My fellow Americans please don't you forget to vote even if it's for Sarah Palin and that cranky old guy she's running with. This is one of the most important elections I can remember in my lifetime and I've been through quite a few. My sincere apologies to anyone I have offended with this post, particularly those of one of our two major political parties. As always, thanks for reading! Now let me get back to fantasizing about Sarah! And once again the sound of the zipper on the fly of the Horny Old Guy is heard in the distance...

Sunday, May 18, 2008

One Year Later...Still Kicking and Still Jerking!

In response to tons of e mail requests (well actually two of them) to update my lame ass blog and with nothing else to do on this hot spring afternoon except play with my dick I'm decided to do just that...update my blog that is! The playing with my dick will come later. I'm always surprised when I come back here and find that people are still visiting this goofy site and reading my incoherent babbling when I haven't made a new posting since May of last year. In fact I'm getting more hits now than I did when I was actively blogging! If you read my "farewell" post right below this one you'll see that I mentioned that I had some 85,000 hits then and now, just a year later I have over 220,000 hits! Likewise I had some 5700 views of my profile and now I have over 8000 views! "Who the hell are these people and haven't they got something better to do with their lives?" I wondered for months.

Thanks to an e mail from a long time reader I think I finally found an answer to that perplexing question. Most likely the Google Image search engine has quite a bit to do with my new found popularity. Do a Google image search for "National Masturbation Month" for instance and you'll see that several of the homemade images from this blog (like the one above, doing what I do best!) are right at the top of the list. Click on one of those images and you get a link this lame and goofy blog! Wow! I'm famous (sort of!) Welcome to all of you Image Googlers! If anything on this blog offends you you have my sincere apology. That'll teach you to click on those nasty pictures though! If anybody has a better explanation for my steadily increasing readership please let me know with a comment or an e mail.

So what has Mike the Horny Old Guy been up to for the last year? Well both a lot and not very much. I pretty much did all of the things I had planned to do when I quit blogging last year. Lots of travel included a long (and expensive!) trip to Europe. My project of restoring a vintage aircraft for a museum with some old friends took us well into the fall...and we still didn't get it finished. Work has resumed this spring although I'm not as involved as I was before. There was just way too much work and way too much driving back and forth to Sacramento for this old far...I mean retired gentleman. In retrospect though the project itself and the camaraderie with old friends had it's rewards and I have no regrets in getting involved. No such ambitious plans for this summer though. I think I'll just stay home and jack off!

Yeah I know what you are wondering! "So how is your sex life you horny old bastard?" I regret to say that it still pretty much sucks! "What else is new Mike?" is probably your response. I wish that I could say that I had slipped the salami to Kathy my lovely red headed condo neighbor or better yet that we were now living happily ever after but that is just not the case so I won't lie to you. Kathy apparently went back to her ex, damn the bad luck! We were on the condo Board of Directors and worked on projects together but she resigned and now I only see her driving through the complex once in a while, usually with some some dude young enough to be my son. Of course since I'm old enough to Kathy's father I suppose it's is quite appropriate that she be dating or living with someone her own age. He might be her ex or he might be a new boyfriend but it looks to me like they are definitely a live in couple. I haven't talked to her in months and am reasonably sure that the chances of getting in her panties, of burying my face and cock in that lovely but unseen red haired bush are for all practical purposes non existent. Now all I get from Kathy is a wave and a smile, not quite as appealing as the orgies I had envisioned in my jack off fantasies. Damn the bad luck!

Last fall I put a personals ad on Craigslist which as you probably know is a free regional on line classified bulletin board with a big dating and casual encounters section. I specified that I was a clean cut 67 year old gentleman (what are you laughing at?) interested in meeting women of any age for the purposes of cocksucking and pussy I really said just to get together for dinner and other social activities. I got about a dozen responses, mostly from women my age or older. A couple scared me off with their e mail responses alone. One obvious gold digger almost wanted a financial statement from me! After a few e mail exchanges a couple of others seemed like they belonged in a loony bin.

I went out with three women and although they were nice enough there just was no spark between us. We had virtually nothing in common. Two were in their mid 50's and one had just turned 60 although age had nothing to do with my rejection of them. Even though my recent relationships have been with somewhat younger women I having nothing at all against dating women my own age. Two of the women lived 50 miles away in Sacramento, the other even further, up in the Sierra foothills which was another negative factor. I'd had enough driving back and forth to Sacramento while working on my aircraft project. Maybe I gave up to soon but my experiences on Craigslist were not so good. No I didn't "get lucky" with any of the three of them nor did I even try to do so. probably a sure sign that I'm getting older and wiser!

I also flew to Florida early this year to meet someone who has posted nice comments on my blog regularly. She's a very nice woman but I think we would both agree that we got along better in cyberspace, even on the phone than we did in person. Please forgive me for that ill timed and clumsy pass I made at you Ms. C.T. Can we blame it on all the champagne? Probably not. There's not much more that I want to say about that little escapade except that it was just further evidence of the truthfulness of that old adage "There is no fool like an old fool!" Like I haven't been demonstrating that since I started blogging huh? Ms. C.T. if you are still reading this blog (which I sort of doubt) you are a class act and again I publicly apologize.

My travels, both domestic and foreign, were also pretty much of a bust in the romance and sex department not that I had any great hopes in that area. I met a few women along the way but it never got beyond casual conversation or lunch on a train traveling through Europe. As in my last European trip I was tempted by the whores in Amsterdam and Copenhagen and Munich but in today's dangerous world my whoring days are long over. I don't care how many condoms you put on me or how the prostitution business is regulated I just don't want to fuck a woman who even MIGHT have an STD, AIDS in particular! Nope I would rather just go back to my hotel and fantasize and jack off...and that's just what I did on my travels...night after night! (Romantic isn't it? LOL)

What this all boils down to is no poontang for over a year for the Horny Old Guy. Not an ideal situation by any means but as always with the help of my fantasies and my right hand I made it through the days and nights and and weeks and months! No nookie is no big deal for me since I've been alone much more than I've been in a relationship during my 67 (soon to be 68!) years. Jacking off still works now for me as well as it did when I was a horny teenager...well almost as well anyway! I don't dwell at all on my solitary existence nor am I looking for sympathy.

There are in fact great rewards to living alone and given a little time, after the pain of rejection subsides, I realize that after every relationship ends. I truly do value my independence even though I know that being in a committed relationship can even be more rewarding. My last sweetheart Marcella seems like ancient history to me now. Would I let her into my life or bed again? Uhhh...thinking of those sweet Sunday morning blow jobs...well HELL YEAH! That ain't gonna happen though. The last time I saw her she was engaged and her sweetie pie roommate Patty who I lusted after is married and pregnant. It's definitely time to forget about both of those babes now, except possibly in my masturbatory fantasies.

I do still miss regular blogging but as I compose this post I realize that it's also way too much work, especially when my social and sexual life is still in limbo. As I've asked before how many ways are there to say "Well I jacked off again last night!"? By now I think I've exhausted the possibilities. I still may get back to regular posts if and when things pick up in my sex life but for now it will be irregular posting at best. If nothing else maybe I'll do an annual update in this month of May, my blogging anniversary month and more importantly and appropriately National Masturbation Month. Y'all don't forget to join in the festivities, ya hear?

That's more than enough mental masturbation for now folks. Thanks to all my old friends and former readers who still stop by here occasionally and once again welcome to all of you newbies who are stumbling in here for the first time wondering "What the fuck is this?" I'm leaving the comments section on this post open. I'd really appreciate any comments (make them anonymously if you like) and as always I will respond to all e mail. For now, thanks to all of you for reading this nonsense! Enjoy your bodies and enjoy your life! Goodbye again for now!